I work up this morning [Sunday] at about 4:30 am. I lay there in the dark, thinking about CoX. I thought of my main, who i will probably never see again and how he was almost like a real friend to me, someone I cared about - who didnt actually exist. He was powerful, and I will never be powerful in any meaningful sense. To love him is to really love myself, for I created him. And I dont love myself much at all, so even that little bit was important.
Obviously I had been dreaming about the game, altho I didnt remember the dream. I lay there and thought about getting off the tram in Talos and flying toward the PI ferry; about passing over the Magic store, the zone music that always played, about the steep ravine down to the docks, and the Tsoo and Freaks who haunted it. Flying over the ocean, and seeing the war walls in the distance.
And I will never do those things again, most likely.
I know it is wrong of me, and perhaps indicative of a psychological failing in me, but I lay there and felt actual hate toward whoever made the decision to throw not just me, but all of us out of our safe little Eden, such an important part of my life and all of our lives. So many of us have lost so much, while theyre lounging in an office somewhere manipulating their stocks or whatever crap thing it is they are doing today. And how when it suits thier purpose, they will do the same thing all over again to another set of loyal players.
I am angry. I want revenge. I dont think they have one freaking clue what they did to us. And I want them to feel the same pain. The same loss.
What you wrote here, Illusionss, really resonates with me. Ditto for all the posts that follow yours. (Hi & hugs to Healix and all of you!) No, I don't believe this is any way a "psychological failing" but rather an entirely natural and normal response to grief, especially deep grieving. I bet none of us anticipated just how strongly we would feel were the unthinkable to happen (which did) - and that shock alone since all indicators were positive with new powersets etc available, the new Issue in open Beta, OMG why would NCSoft pull the plug like this?!?! That only compounded our grief and sense of loss. Is it a sense of "entitlement" when a product one has emotionally bonded with gets yanked? Possibly. I know V.V's view from that Korean Times article. I still think of when Coca-Cola Company yanked "old" Coke and tried selling New Coke - and man, glad they brought Classic Coke back in a hurry since no other cola soda tastes right to my taste buds. I feel additional irritation when MMOs like EQ etc get to go on - happy for those players still getting to enjoy their MMORPG world and wondering why I cannot likewise enjoy mine.
Victoria Victrix of course writes both cogently and eloquently upon the topic. Dear lady, how happy I am for you and Team Wildcard to be our advocates and spokesmen. You, the Quich and Rae and many I shan't name are our Champions!! THANK YOU!!!!
I don't regard myself as either an angry person nor a vengeful man, but I have struggled with these feelings, even as a pacifist for what NCSoft top brass did to us so callously. Sure, they're within their legal rights, Hoo-rah for them, but Pfffft too and their lamebrain call. (Remembering that one brilliant icon of Morpheus(?) saying "I recognize you've made a decision, but because it's a stupid one I intend to oppose it!" Sorry for the paraphrase and Thanks to whomever did that graphic.)
Re: dreaming or even just remembering, not daydreaming exactly, man, Illusionss I read your words and I'm instantly transported in my mind back to Talos, flying out of the tram to the PI Ferry,etc. just as you describe! Bet we many of us did that LOTS!! For myself these past few weeks, I have moments when unbidden some character of mine is exiting Wentworth's in Steel Canyon and flying off toward his next mission, some mission door in SC taking me past Blyde Square and the music that played there (musically that was one of my faves.) In this 2-3 second recollection day-dream I don't even visualize/see in mind's eye a specific character of mine, just boots and legs and a cape flapping - I'm sure we all remember those super cape animations - and more often than not, I shunt such memories aside, rather than endure further sorrow and sadness about this loss. Doing so can still make me so unhappy, bringing tears and/or anger to my eyes and/or heart.
I've dabbled a bit in DDO, finally got my Paladin out of the damn tutorial, done a few intro quests; yeah it looks okay, tho hardly stellar. I haven't tried CO or DCUO since I know I'd find that a truly painful reminder of what I'd lost/had taken from me, legally of course, but still taken. I've played and dabbled in LOTRO off and on for a few years, getting toons to mid level (mid 30's) but after CoH ended, I just couldn't get back into LOTRO, nor even DDO, discovering that about all I wanted to do was not play them but just move an avatar around. Sheesh, does this sound pathetic? After playing a few games of Civ 4, and my non CoH MMO gaming attempts, I realized I simply have no taste for gaming at all presently. I anticipate that in time I shall, but NCSoft has KILLED my enjoyment for gaming entirely it seems. CoH is the only game I find I have any taste for. Maybe like with Coke, I can enjoy 7-Up, or root beer or other flavors of soda, but will avoid those reminding me of classic coke. I want the "Real Thing" and only that. (Apologies to Pepsi drinkers, but I expect it's the same for you.) Thus to continue with my beverage analogy, I'm on to blogging and writing and other non-gaming activities, perhaps rather like having tea, coffee, or even filtered water in lieu of any "soda pop." Grrrrr!! NCSoft, I don't hate your corporation, nor your rank-and-file employees who did their jobs so well. It's the executives there only I take strong exception to, and even then I prefer/try to feel no ill will - tho sometimes fail (heck we have my ranting posts here on Titan to prove it!)
I hope you'll soon come to love yourself much better, Illusionss, not in some narcissistic way, but with Compassion as you would a friend you had liking and high regard for. You're worthy of it!! (*stifles desire to launch into my views on spirituality and spiritual loving-kindness, Compassion, Agape, Buddhism, etc.)
Thanks again, Titans!! You're my SG now!! Apologies for the Walls of Text, my SGmates, but I feel certain anyone reading this will understand exactly what I'm saying.