Underachieving metaphors

[chuckv3]

This is more of a comedic device than anything... but think of examples that sound like they are trying to be metaphors but end up being too literal. Example:

Without my vast wardrobe I just feel naked.

[Pengy]

Your face says no, but your heart says babump babump babump.

[Paragon Avenger]

Without the GPS on my smart phone, I'd be lost.

[Paragon Avenger]

If it weren't for all my aliments, I'd be healthy as an ox.

[chuckv3]

Whatever disagreements I might have had with the conehead, I could always see his point.

[chuckv3]

The first time I set eyes on her, I could tell she disliked having dead body parts placed on her.

[Paragon Avenger]

If I had a million dollars, I wouldn't feel so broke all the time.

[chuckv3]

If I had a million dollars, I wouldn't feel so broke all the time.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I'd be 5 cents richer.

[healix]

I was so depressed I slapped a statue's butt....I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

[Paragon Avenger]

Another day, another dollar in debt.

[Paragon Avenger]

"When we were down to nothing, nothing looked good on you."

[Paragon Avenger]

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness.  Well duh!

[Paragon Avenger]

"If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

[Floride]

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can give one back to him and sell the rest.

[Paragon Avenger]

You may think it's butter, but it's not.  It's trans fatty PHVO's.

[Floride]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Jerk.

[Paragon Avenger]

Five will get you ten that I'm not a betting man.

[healix]

All my life I've worked my fingers to the bone, and all I have to show for it is bony fingers.

[Paragon Avenger]

Some mornings, it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
(I didn't know that it ever did.)

[Paragon Avenger]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  Eeewww, could you imagine two birds in your bush?

[Paragon Avenger]

I, for one, blah-blah-blah.  How could the first person subjective singular pronoun refer to any more than one?

[Floride]

It is better to die on your feet than to live a lifetime on your knees. That is, unless you choose live a lifetime on your feet.

[Paragon Avenger]

It is better to die on your feet than to live a lifetime on your knees. That is, unless you choose live a lifetime on your feet.

It would suck to die on your knees.

[Teikiatsu]

Once all this mess dies down to a dull roar...

[Fireheart]

Metaphorically speaking, I don't get it.

Be Well!
Fireheart

[Paragon Avenger]

If it isn't one thing, it's something else.
(well, duh.)

[healix]

Things are more like they are today then they've ever been before....

[Floride]

There's 2 types of people in the world... those who say "there are 2 types of people in the world" and those who actually say something profound.

[chuckv3]

It would suck to die on your knees.

This answer only seems like it sucks. It's really just fallacious.

[Paragon Avenger]

This new sieve invention of yours looks promising, but will it hold water?

[huang3721]

There is a proverb in my country:

Playing with water, soaked. Playing with fire, burnt.

Quoting Paragon Avenger:

Well, duh!

[Paragon Avenger]

According to your country, doctors from my country suffer from not being doctors from your country.

[Paragon Avenger]

Underachieving metaphors and other mangled sayings are like half of one, six dozen of the other.

[Paragon Avenger]

It is what it is.
(what else could it be?)

[Mister Hassenpheffer]

One of these days... death is gonna kill me.

[Paragon Avenger]

Well there's an hour I never get back.
(How would they get that hour back by doing something else?)
{besides time travel}

[Paragon Avenger]

"That's funny as hell"
(Yeah fire, brimstone and demon torment are hilarious,  :roll: .)

[Paragon Avenger]

That's so unfunny, it's laughable.

[Paragon Avenger]

If you think that I'm going to post here, you got another thing coming.

(That's totally wrong.  It should be, "If you believe that I would post something here then perhaps you should reconsider.")

[Paragon Avenger]

Killed by Death
Killed by Death
Killed by Death

(Sorry Lemmy, it should be 'Killed to death', and it still doesn't say anything.)

[Paragon Avenger]

He literly had a cow.
(ummm, no he didn't.)

[Paragon Avenger]

If you think twice, you'll be the smartest one in your family.
(Ok, first, you could have 2 stupid thoughts.  Second, maybe the rest of your family gets it the first time.)

[Super Firebug]

"That's so hilarious, it's not even funny."

[Super Firebug]

"After all the bragging I did about my tightrope-walking skills, I'd sure better get this demonstration right. If I fall off, I'll just die!"

[huang3721]

He is not the sharpest tool in the shed, otherwise he would use himself to cut things.

[Paragon Avenger]

Super Firebug is so funny, it's laughable.

[Paragon Avenger]

If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you.
(So, I will never find out.)

[Paragon Avenger]

Because I'm the Mommy.
(Wow, so the only foundation for your authority is that you had sex.)

[Paragon Avenger]

Don't take any wooden nickles

Ok, who is handing out wooden nickles?
Shouldn't counterfeiters be arrested?
Why would anybody use wood to fake a nickle? 
I'd use metal slugs they pop out of metal boxes to make holes for wires.
And you had better not be taking other people's nickles in the first place.

So to recap, don't steal and don't counterfeit, well duh.

[Paragon Avenger]

No man is an island.

Well of course not.  Even when one is swimming and surrounded on all sides by water, one doesn't qualify as a land mass.

A man is not even an archipelago.  That would just be silly.  If a man can't be one island, how could he be a chain of them.

A man can't be a peninsula either.  Of course the male has a peninsula shaped orgin, but that has nothing to do with anything that I'm rammbling about.

Sometimes I feel like I am an isthmus, but definately NOT a island.

[huang3721]

What goes around comes around, unless acted upon by an external force.

[Paragon Avenger]

It doesn't roll uphill.
What if you get a powerful leaf-blower?  Huh?  Huh?

[Paragon Avenger]

I had to shoe-horn my feet into these new shoes.

[Paragon Avenger]

He threw up his hands in disgust.
(Well, maybe he shouldn't have eaten them in the first place.)

[huang3721]

Time is an irreversible arrow. Any attempt to stop or deflect it has  failed miserably. Just ask King Ahab.

[Paragon Avenger]

If that weren't so amusing, one might laugh.

[healix]

I came, I saw, I yawned.

[Paragon Avenger]

Cheap at half the price.
Your kind is a dime a dozen.
If I had a nickle for everytime I heard that one.

(I think somebody needs a lesson in economics.)

[healix]

A new day had dawned! *heads back to bed*

[Paragon Avenger]

There are two secrets to success:
First, never, ever, ever tell everything you know.

[Paragon Avenger]

"No matter where you go; there you are."
(Yeah, next time you have a thought, let it die of loneliness.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"What comes around, goes around."
(Thank you so much for that tautology.  If you ever have anything to say, even sophistry, let me know.)

[huang3721]

...until acting upon it is an external force.

Hi, Avenger! Long time no see.

[Paragon Avenger]

"What goes around comes around"  unless acted upon by an external force.

(Thank you so much for that tautology.  If you ever have anything to say, even sophistry, let me know.)


giving proper credit, but mine has big words.

[Paragon Avenger]

"To err is human; to forgive, divine."
(So, no matter what I do to you; you MUST forgive me!  I like being human.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"No rough-housing in the house!"
(But where else can we rough-house?  It's in the frigging name.)

[Paragon Avenger]

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
(Yeah, Murphy, what would stop it.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
(Great, either I have bags of freedom or none at all.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"You can be anything you want to be."
(what a crock, if you work hard, put in the hours, train real hard, get lucky a few times than maybe just maybe you'll be in debt up to your eyes---if you're lucky.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"No, don't try; do it."
(Yes, I'm going to try and do it, geez!)

[Paragon Avenger]

You have to have a runny nose to catch a cold.
Noses run in my family.
Nosey Rosey.
You can pick your friends.  You can pick your nose, but don't pick your friend's nose.
The Shadow Nose
The eyes noses have it.
People with tans brown nose.  That is way they put zinc-oxide on their noses.
♫ Come on feel the nose ♫ Girls rock your boys ♫

And always remember that to midgets, elevators smell like butts.

[Paragon Avenger]

If you can't beat them, join them.
(coward)

[Paragon Avenger]

Together, we can do anything!
(except go our seperate ways.)

[healix]

Practice makes perfect
(practice makes progress, there is no perfection in this world)

[Paragon Avenger]

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.
(I resent that sexist remark.  Men have fury too.  And some women know how to forgive.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"If you think it's butter..."
[if you think that is butter, boy have you got a surprise waiting for you]

[Paragon Avenger]

"A stich in time, saves nine."
[ok, first, you can't stich time.  second, saves nine what?  Water-buffalos?]

[healix]

My mind is a steel trap.
[too bad it's been left to rust shut]

[Paragon Avenger]

"Ours is not to wonder why.  Ours is to jump and die."
(ok, you first.)

[Paragon Avenger]

"There is no absolute truth; everything is relative."
(Excuse me mister phil os sopher, but isn't that an absolute statement?)