Your anger reminds me of me when I was younger. Actually I called it hatred and not anger.
Well what was I doing? In school days I was somewhat always the tallest and strongest guy around. I tortured other people just for fun, for the sake of living my hatred, my anger. I felt, well, "good" after it. Maybe it was an outcry for attention? Dunno. I have an older brother, and a mother (divorced), still no real family wich cared about my needs and so on. Maybe it was my solution just to take up the wrath and let it out to some people I didn't wanted to know or I knew and didn't liked.
But than a day came. No special day, just a regular day. I remember I turned 15 this time. And I just stopped.
I won't say there isn't any anger or hatred inside of me, this would be a lie. But i accepted it as being around.
I wanted to know myself how such a hate could be born inside me. So I searched for "my" truth
.
I started to read stuff about raising kids, childhood stuff...all that psychological stuff. Well I realized for myself that THERE IS something wich makes me go wild. Actually pretty much serveral childhood traumata caused by my mother (no contact to her).
There is nothing you can ever do erase such thing.
I for myself started with martial arts. No not kung fu jibberish or some other stuff. It was some sort of Street Fighting. I took whatever I needed out of other styles just to suit it to my needs. Like mixing up the mental stuff from ninjutsu (one of the schools of ninjutsu) and crossing it with the calm and flawless moves of tai chi. It really helps me to focus on what does matter.
Also I began to write. Poems, short books, complete books, songs.
This is when it comes to focus. They're preaching you to have an "empty mind". Wich is in my opinion (just MY opinion) total crap.
I prefer to have a journey inside my head while doing my focus. The journey might be a small ship or something like that wich crosses the ocean. And while you are on focus your rage still growls withing you...giving the sky, the clouds, all the enviroment an pretty unique look. That look is about what you have to write if you doing it like me. Cause the look is you inner anger, an image of it.
And yes, I was a soldier too, in combat actually. I did stuff wich I am not proud of cuz I had the order to do it. Also a part of me "broke" due some of that. After I ended my carreer, I found myself being alcohol addicted and in a shape....Well it wasn't to human anymore.
Actually a man wich is alcohol addicted, has mental problems and is indeed a well trained killer isn't a really good mix. First of all I got rid of the alcohol by myself. It took me a freakin year to get away from that, and a huge amount of willpower. Than I started to heal my *ucked up brain....well atleast sort of. I am not good at all stuff and I know that. But with what I was doing I was pretty much always the best, cause I always gave my best. I didn't care about other - yes I was the only one in the company who talked to his boss in a manner wich is not....let's say nice. Cause if I am doing my job, I do it right!
It sort of proudness wich got me back on my knees...well and asskicks by a friend of mine. Wanna thank her btw. but don't ever think she will read in here (her english is....not to mention^^).
I wrote alot of stuff, forgot over the half by now so I'll make a point here.
Means: Go up to the mirror, look inside it and realize that mistakes can happen. Shit can happen. But as long as you have the proudness and the faith to look in your very own eyes, everything will be okay. Not right now but that's life for: Learning who you really are
