I have a problem.

[faith.grins]

Hi, I'm @Kane1, and I'm an alt-o-holic!
"Hi, Kane!"

Actually, no, that's not the post I'm making, here.  I do roll new alts like crazy in whatever game I play, but that's a completely different discussion.

The truth is, I play video games because I am angry, angry person.  I bear a lot of doubt, shame, and self-loathing, and it makes me want to lash out at... well, everything.  When I was a teenager, that was a pretty serious problem, and though it hasn't gone away entirely, I'm now much better about how I vent that aggression in the real world.  (Beer also helps.)  As an adult, I've played more video games than I can count, and I've spent 200+ hours on more than a handful.  Some of them are mindlessly, senselessly violent (the Super Smash Bros. series comes to mind), and some of them are inherently violent but with a moral context (pick a Final Fantasy, any Final Fantasy...).  City of Heroes obviously falls into that latter category, but there's an important way is stands above the crowd in that regard:

FREEM! 
No, seriously, maybe it's because it was based on comic books, but the Smash Factor in City of Heroes is just fantastic.  Tankers and Brutes get powers that shake your screen when they go off.  Blasters set things on fire.  Masterminds fill the screen with minions.  Controllers and Dominators can summon plants and vines, or encase their enemies in stone, or cover the floor in ice.
This stuff matters, and it's sorely lacking in a lot of video games.  A Super Strength Villain robbing a bank felt like you were bashing the vault door in.  It felt like you were just running through a hail of bullets and gouts of flame as the Longbow ambushes poured in.

All this made me feel like my anger was going somewhere, that it was doing something.  I've never found a better outlet for this, and I've looked.  Death Knight tanking in World of Warcraft was kind of close, but I left that when the people I played with bailed on the game, and I don't know that I could go back to that madhouse of a community without them.  I've tried Champions Online a couple of times, but they just haven't captured that magic balance of emotional depth and visceral immersion.  They shake the screen for you sometimes, but it feels wrong there; it's more distracting than it is enhancing.  I don't feel like I'm made of SMASH, I feel like I'm merely the least squishy person on the team.  Beating up Skuls felt good.  Taking the fight to the Rikti felt important.  I don't feel like I get either of those out of busting Purple Gang members or beating back Qliphthoth demons; I feel like I'm just pointlessly railing at the universe.

The point is, I'm mad.  And as much as I want to believe Zack De La Rocha when he says, "Your anger is a gift," I don't believe that in my heart of hearts.  I have this anger and nowhere to put it anymore.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.  I know nobody here can say anything that will make this go away, or easier to deal with.  I know this isn't something that's going to resonate with many of you, except perhaps in that you're mad that the game was closed.  I know there are more constructive things I could be doing with my time.  Maybe this is a cry for help.  I don't know.

All I know is that I'm still pissed, and I can't seem to shake it.

[healix]

Kane, I always said that CoH was the cheapest therapy around. Believe me, you aren't the only one who feels like there is always a raging beast below your surface. Hang out here and be with fellow humans who understand. You have a talent for being able to express yourself, so do it here. We are all fighting hard to get our City back and your prescence adds strength.
and remember:

[Opilion]

I've spent that last hour or so trying to formulate a response wherein I don't sound like a complete nut.  I couldn't, so I'll just throw this out there.

You're absolutely right about the Smash Factor in CoX.  To the best of my knowledge, there isn't another game where you can wade through/mow down scores of NPC's and delight in their utter destruction.  In other games, it feels like every action taken in a fight is a response to an action taken by the NPC.  In CoX, you led the dance, almost every time.  (Except with Malta Sappers.  They were terrible.)   

I think I get where you come from with the anger thing.  There's a part of me that revels in violence.  I got to indulge in it when I spent four years in the infantry, kicking down doors, blowing stuff up, and just generally being destructive  (Nope, never had to see combat, and thankfully I never had to hurt another person). Actually though, one of my fondest memories comes from before that, about 15 years ago, when my Dad had a concrete driveway poured.  After the driveway was poured, there was a a little less than a yard extra that they dumped in the yard.  Because it was a pretty big pile, we couldn't lift it;  because it was a pile of concrete in our yard, we had to remove it.  We spent probably close to four hours beating on it with long-handled sledge hammers to break it up.  The first hour or there were no results, but I'll never forget the rush I got when that pile finally started to give.  We kicked it's rear-end good.

If you have the time, money, space, and tools, you could give that a shot to work off some aggression.  Pick up 5-10 bags of mix, pour it somewhere, let it cure for a couple days, and then smash it.  Your neighbors might think you're a nut, but you might feel better afterwards.

P.S.  sloshy is lame.  Go to Scandinavia and pick up some Taranchula.  (Man, I miss HSR).

[johnrobey]

Hi, I'm @Kane1, and I'm an alt-o-holic!
"Hi, Kane!"

Actually, no, that's not the post I'm making, here.  I do roll new alts like crazy in whatever game I play, but that's a completely different discussion.

The truth is, I play video games because I am angry, angry person.  I bear a lot of doubt, shame, and self-loathing, and it makes me want to lash out at... well, everything.  When I was a teenager, that was a pretty serious problem, and though it hasn't gone away entirely, I'm now much better about how I vent that aggression in the real world.  (Beer also helps.)  As an adult, I've played more video games than I can count, and I've spent 200+ hours on more than a handful.  Some of them are mindlessly, senselessly violent (the Super Smash Bros. series comes to mind), and some of them are inherently violent but with a moral context (pick a Final Fantasy, any Final Fantasy...).  City of Heroes obviously falls into that latter category, but there's an important way is stands above the crowd in that regard:

FREEM! 
No, seriously, maybe it's because it was based on comic books, but the Smash Factor in City of Heroes is just fantastic.  Tankers and Brutes get powers that shake your screen when they go off.  Blasters set things on fire.  Masterminds fill the screen with minions.  Controllers and Dominators can summon plants and vines, or encase their enemies in stone, or cover the floor in ice.
This stuff matters, and it's sorely lacking in a lot of video games.  A Super Strength Villain robbing a bank felt like you were bashing the vault door in.  It felt like you were just running through a hail of bullets and gouts of flame as the Longbow ambushes poured in.

All this made me feel like my anger was going somewhere, that it was doing something.  I've never found a better outlet for this, and I've looked.  Death Knight tanking in World of Warcraft was kind of close, but I left that when the people I played with bailed on the game, and I don't know that I could go back to that madhouse of a community without them.  I've tried Champions Online a couple of times, but they just haven't captured that magic balance of emotional depth and visceral immersion.  They shake the screen for you sometimes, but it feels wrong there; it's more distracting than it is enhancing.  I don't feel like I'm made of SMASH, I feel like I'm merely the least squishy person on the team.  Beating up Skuls felt good.  Taking the fight to the Rikti felt important.  I don't feel like I get either of those out of busting Purple Gang members or beating back Qliphthoth demons; I feel like I'm just pointlessly railing at the universe.

The point is, I'm mad.  And as much as I want to believe Zack De La Rocha when he says, "Your anger is a gift," I don't believe that in my heart of hearts.  I have this anger and nowhere to put it anymore.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.  I know nobody here can say anything that will make this go away, or easier to deal with.  I know this isn't something that's going to resonate with many of you, except perhaps in that you're mad that the game was closed.  I know there are more constructive things I could be doing with my time.  Maybe this is a cry for help.  I don't know.

All I know is that I'm still pissed, and I can't seem to shake it.

Hello, Kane!     I still think of myself as @kristoff (not that particular character on 1 server, but who I was and how I related to sgmates and friends.)  Re: anger.  I think I understand what you're saying.  It makes a lot of sense to feel angry when one is hurt.   It even irks knowing that the perfect salve for these feelings would be to log in to "smash and blow up pixels."  Some have been able to get if not enjoyment at least feelings of relief from playing other MMORPGs.  A quick Google search on "transforming anger" brings up lots of links with ideas to consider on the topic.  (I liked the one that noted even the Dalai Lama gets angry.)  While there are various things I don't care for in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) as a form of therapy/"school" of psychology, here's a link to one article on Breaking State:  http://www.grassrootsnlp.com/book/free-nlp-patterns/nlp-techniques-break-state

Sometimes I'm able to channel angry feelings into something constructive.  (Will those stubborn stains in the kitchen sink be able to resist my ire?!  Or getting started on that long delayed project in the garage, basement or attic.)  Other times, especially those related to loss, I have to let myself feel sad.

By the way, would you hold my beer?  I wanna show you something nifty.  If venting feelings of anger (btw I really like what and how you wrote) and/or mourning this loss isn't helping, I'd go for complete distraction and apply myself to other things for a while.  I'd post something cool here, but my idea of nifty might not be yours.   Ah what the heck, for what it's worth.  I've used music since childhood for helping me deal with various emotions (both to counteract and to give vent to them.)  For grieving this is one of my favorites, Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" (this link selected almost at random):  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-XCmb6t6Zw

[corvus1970]

Kane, I always said that CoH was the cheapest therapy around. Believe me, you aren't the only one who feels like there is always a raging beast below your surface.

How very, very true. I often liken it to a chained beast or coiled serpent, ready to strike, a creature that I must regularly watch over, lest it fully emerge and ruin everything I hold dear.

I'm a big believer in the Triune Brain model, and I also fully believe that we're essentially the same hunter-gathering species that we were 20,000 years ago, and that our modern societies and technological development have far, far outpaced our evolution. There are many books and peer-reviewed studies out there to support the notion that the conflict between our old instincts/biology and our modern world contributes to much of the stress and frustration we feel in our everyday lives. For example, we probably shouldn't have fight-or-flight responses because a bill has come due,  or because there's a big meeting or test coming and we feel unprepared. However feelings that range from anxiousness to outright terror aren't uncommon when faced with these or similar prospects.

City of Heroes was where I (and so very many of you) could go to find a world that was just a little less complicated than our own, a world that made sense. A world where we could not only fly or leap tall-buildings, but a world where we felt we mattered, a place where our choices made a difference. In small ways we could save a lady from a Hellion Mugger, and in big ways we could save our entire world.

It was a place where we could be almost anything we wanted to and we could look how we wanted. There we could be as strong and beautiful as we wanted, or as savage and ugly as we wanted if the need arose. It was a place where getting hit by a car only bumped you out of the way, a place where a fall off a tall building would hurt you, but not kill you, and where the donuts had no calories. It was also a place where the only bill that came due within that world itself was for our Base-upkeep (and that's only if you had a Base of your own), and you could work that off by throwing a few Council-jerks into the Zig.

It was also a world where we could find friends with ease: a world where we could chatter and joke to our heart's content. A home where we had comrades.

CoX was all of this and so much more that I don't have the time or words to properly describe or express, and we could enter and leave at will, and make our real-life trials and troubles seem a little less overwhelming, a little less daunting.

But it was also a world that was taken from us: a community that was scattered to the four proverbial winds. Its no wonder that the loss of a place that did so very much for so very many of us has created so much grief and so much anger. To quote Oz from season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

"I miss you. Like, every second. It's like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso."

For some of us the pain is often that palpable. Many of us have shed tears. Many of us still do.

All that said, healix is correct: you are not alone. WE are not alone. We are here, together, refugees from that world we loved, "a world that was so very fair" (to quote a passage from the book "War Day"), and because we are here together, its a burden that is fully understood, acknowledged, and shareable. Its a burden that can be lessened.

As heroes, we helped the helpless, the ones too weak to help themselves. Now, here, the heroes (and villains) of CoX can help one-another in our dire time of great need. And, for me, knowing that makes things just a little bit better.

[houtex]

All these are good stuff.  I miss my therapy. 

I like the S&G song as a...relaxant?  But for me, this is what I play to try to get over it, or at least get through the feels, when I'm all upsety and stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

And sometimes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk

They just help me.  There are others, but these work best so far.

/Love the four part harmony of Fix You.  And Amy's voice is just amazeballs, IMO.

[JWBullfrog]

I have a thought, Kane take it for what you will.
 
Have you thought about writing in character? I am serious with that question.
 
It might help in processing some of your feelings. And it might give you back some of the charge you got from playing. After all, who knows your characters better than you? What would they do? How would they react?
 
Even if you never show those writings to another living soul, this might help you deal with it.
 

[Adelante]

Kane, I always said that CoH was the cheapest therapy around. Believe me, you aren't the only one who feels like there is always a raging beast below your surface. Hang out here and be with fellow humans who understand. You have a talent for being able to express yourself, so do it here. We are all fighting hard to get our City back and your prescence adds strength.
and remember:

Printing this out.  There are days when I need this.

[johnrobey]

One substitute activity that comes to mind for blowing off steam is bowling.  It's social and the pins fall down.   

[faith.grins]

City of Heroes was where I (and so very many of you) could go to find a world that was just a little less complicated than our own, a world that made sense. A world where we could not only fly or leap tall-buildings, but a world where we felt we mattered, a place where our choices made a difference. In small ways we could save a lady from a Hellion Mugger, and in big ways we could save our entire world.

I cut a large portion of my initial post that talked about that because I couldn't articulate it how I wanted.  But, yes, City of Heroes was exceptional at giving the player a sense that their every action resonated throughout the world they lived in.  We weren't just random Rogues slaying Kobolds for their gold, we were saving the City, one street corner at a time.  (Or, in the Rogue Isles, that we were slowly building up our reputation, and that one day they would fear us!  THEY WOULD ALL FEAR US!.  *ahem* Pardon me, carry on.)

I have a thought, Kane take it for what you will.
 
Have you thought about writing in character? I am serious with that question.
 
It might help in processing some of your feelings. And it might give you back some of the charge you got from playing. After all, who knows your characters better than you? What would they do? How would they react?
 
Even if you never show those writings to another living soul, this might help you deal with it.

I was never really much of a role-player, but thank you for the suggestion.  I only ever had two characters that I fleshed out a full personality for, and one of them has a severe disconnect with reality.

I think I get where you come from with the anger thing.  There's a part of me that revels in violence.  I got to indulge in it when I spent four years in the infantry, kicking down doors, blowing stuff up, and just generally being destructive  (Nope, never had to see combat, and thankfully I never had to hurt another person). Actually though, one of my fondest memories comes from before that, about 15 years ago, when my Dad had a concrete driveway poured.  After the driveway was poured, there was a a little less than a yard extra that they dumped in the yard.  Because it was a pretty big pile, we couldn't lift it;  because it was a pile of concrete in our yard, we had to remove it.  We spent probably close to four hours beating on it with long-handled sledge hammers to break it up.  The first hour or there were no results, but I'll never forget the rush I got when that pile finally started to give.  We kicked it's rear-end good.

If you have the time, money, space, and tools, you could give that a shot to work off some aggression.  Pick up 5-10 bags of mix, pour it somewhere, let it cure for a couple days, and then smash it.  Your neighbors might think you're a nut, but you might feel better afterwards.

P.S.  sloshy is lame.  Go to Scandinavia and pick up some Taranchula.  (Man, I miss HSR).

That sounds like a great way to vent, but unfortunately I live in an apartment building with no lawn or other sort of common area I could dump a bunch of concrete without the landlord (or the city) chewing my ass out.  I will definitely keep it in mind for the future, though.

P.S.:  No, no, not sloshy.  Slashy.  Common mistake, I know, but they're way more punk than those emo jerks.

One substitute activity that comes to mind for blowing off steam is bowling.  It's social and the pins fall down.   

I have friends who don't like to bowl.  Every time they say this, I always respond the same way:  "You're thinking about it wrong.  Bowling isn't so much a game as it is an excuse to drink beer and throw rocks at things."

All these are good stuff.  I miss my therapy. 

I like the S&G song as a...relaxant?  But for me, this is what I play to try to get over it, or at least get through the feels, when I'm all upsety and stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

And sometimes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk

They just help me.  There are others, but these work best so far.

/Love the four part harmony of Fix You.  And Amy's voice is just amazeballs, IMO.

Amy Lee's voice is stupendous, yeah, but unfortunately that was all that band had going for it if you ask me.

I dunno, maybe it's cause I "came of age" in the '90s, but my go-to songs when the world seems fucked up are Nirvna's "Breed" and Rage Against the Machine's "Guerrilla Radio."  But like I said, I am an angry, angry person.



To everyone else (and anyone who turns up in this thread in the future): thank you.  I'm still angry, and I still don't know what to do with that, but I like knowing that you know, and that you understand.  I know you've all got your own shit to deal with, so thanks for listening to me, and taking the time to say something.

[Electric-Knight]

I've only got a quick moment to say something here, but... for what it is worth...

Remember that sometimes you are angry, because you're angry about something. And that's okay.
Remember our good doctor, Bruce Banner... "I'm always angry".

Seriously, I understand and agree that our shared passtime can be great light-therapy, no question. That's why we do most all of our leisure, entertainment and artistic activities!

You'll find other channels for your anger. For now... just make sure you don't let it out in any unhealthy and/or bad ways... and recognize, respect and be okay with the fact that you have anger.
Sometimes that can actually help get rid of your anger more than venting it out - Come to peace with it.

[MaidMercury]

Take up Self defense classes or a sport.
Tong Soo do was cool for me. By the end of the class,I was worn out, feeling relaxed, like I amounted to something.... just a thought.

[Samuel Tow]

You're absolutely right about the Smash Factor in CoX.  To the best of my knowledge, there isn't another game where you can wade through/mow down scores of NPC's and delight in their utter destruction.  In other games, it feels like every action taken in a fight is a response to an action taken by the NPC.  In CoX, you led the dance, almost every time.  (Except with Malta Sappers.  They were terrible.) 

I agree with the thread's general sentiment, but this presumes a bit too much. There are plenty of "horde" games out there which let you mow down scores of enemies, not least of which being the Dynasty Warriors series. For my taste, there's always Space Marines, where exchanges like these happen: "Orks. Millions of them." "We are Space Marines. Orks are no problem." "If we had a week, perhaps." This a conversation between THREE PEOPLE. Talk about an empowerment fantasy. Saints Row The Third is similarly empowering. Not at first, obviously, but right now I'm sporting complete invulnerability from all damage, infinite ammo with endless magazines for all weapons and and helicopters and tanks in my garage. An NPC tells me doing something is impossible and suicidal, and I go "So?" and simply go do it. And then there are the Hulk: Ultimate Destruction spawn of games, of which Prototype is probably the most famous, and one of the most glorious if you ignore the SHIT storyline.

What City of Heroes had wasn't unique in terms of the experience provided, but rather in the experience provided within the context of player choice and customization. I can play Space Marines, but my choice of character concepts is limited to either Space Marines or Chaos Marines. I can play Saints Row, but my concept is limited to the leader of the 3rd Street Saints (though with Enter the Dominatrix introducing super powers and alien invaders...). I can play Prototype but I'm always either Alex Mercer or "some black guy from the first game." City of Heroes was the only game that actually let me play MY characters to that kind of liberating experience, and that counts for a lot. Champions comes close, but trips at the finish line because... Well, if the game can't take itself seriously, then how the Unicorn should I?

---

On the subject of "anger" and "instinct," I'd say it depends on the person. Personally, I'm just about comfortable with contemporary life and have no real stress to search for an outlet to, but I realise that's not true for everyone. To me, City of Heroes wasn't an outlet, it was escapist fantasy where the things I knew were impractical in the real world (super strength, justice, true love, etc.) could exist and I would get to set them up on awesome stories. And yeah, the unmitigated violence is always fun, but for met personally, it's never been about an outlet for that. I'm simply a person who has a particular respect for authority, and the kind of power City of Heroes gave us made her into authority figures. You want something done, you can just go do it. You don't depend on other people, you don't have to worry about being too weak, you don't have to worry about moral implications. You go do it.

Villains robbing a bank? I'll go beat their asses. Aliens invading the Earth? I'll go punch their ships out of the sky. Virus spreading through the city? I'll go toss the people spreading it on their heads. Someone wants to kill me and humiliate me? Awesome! I'd love to see him try! It's an empowerment fantasy, and it's non-specific. It's not just that I can do any of the above, it's that I can do anything I set my mind to without having to worry about my own capabilities. It allows me to be a badass without needing to actually BE a badass.

City of Heroes was a game with a different face to anyone who looked at it, so the above is just what I miss from it.

[Stunrunner]

There are plenty of "horde" games out there which let you mow down scores of enemies, not least of which being the Dynasty Warriors series.

I was gonna bring up Dynasty Warriors.  I played the heck out of DW3 on the PS2.  Nothing like swinging a weapon and watching peasants go flying.

[Samuel Tow]

Honestly, I wish we had more "power fantasy" games like that City of Heroes was great for it. No fighting only one enemy, and just barely. No legging it for miles to go foraging for ore. No being unable to step over a waist-high fence. You see enemies, you don't go "I must be careful and maybe get friends and oh no I ran out of arrows!" Nope, you see enemies and you go "Come get some!" There are shockingly few games that do this, and that's counting Duke Nukem: Waiting Forever. Very few games exist where I'm actually eager to pick fights, and City of Heroes was one of them.

[JaguarX]

I was gonna bring up Dynasty Warriors.  I played the heck out of DW3 on the PS2.  Nothing like swinging a weapon and watching peasants go flying.

I like Dynasty Warriors. Used to play a bit a with female friend of mine. She always kicked my butt though. I'm like "Hey, I mowed down 500 people." She look at me and go, "Pfft, catch up slow poke, I'm at a thousand. You're too passive in your killing." "Damn you!"

[johnrobey]

How very, very true. I often liken it to a chained beast or coiled serpent, ready to strike, a creature that I must regularly watch over, lest it fully emerge and ruin everything I hold dear.

I'm a big believer in the Triune Brain model, and I also fully believe that we're essentially the same hunter-gathering species that we were 20,000 years ago, and that our modern societies and technological development have far, far outpaced our evolution. There are many books and peer-reviewed studies out there to support the notion that the conflict between our old instincts/biology and our modern world contributes to much of the stress and frustration we feel in our everyday lives. For example, we probably shouldn't have fight-or-flight responses because a bill has come due,  or because there's a big meeting or test coming and we feel unprepared. However feelings that range from anxiousness to outright terror aren't uncommon when faced with these or similar prospects.

City of Heroes was where I (and so very many of you) could go to find a world that was just a little less complicated than our own, a world that made sense. A world where we could not only fly or leap tall-buildings, but a world where we felt we mattered, a place where our choices made a difference. In small ways we could save a lady from a Hellion Mugger, and in big ways we could save our entire world.

It was a place where we could be almost anything we wanted to and we could look how we wanted. There we could be as strong and beautiful as we wanted, or as savage and ugly as we wanted if the need arose. It was a place where getting hit by a car only bumped you out of the way, a place where a fall off a tall building would hurt you, but not kill you, and where the donuts had no calories. It was also a place where the only bill that came due within that world itself was for our Base-upkeep (and that's only if you had a Base of your own), and you could work that off by throwing a few Council-jerks into the Zig.

It was also a world where we could find friends with ease: a world where we could chatter and joke to our heart's content. A home where we had comrades.

CoX was all of this and so much more that I don't have the time or words to properly describe or express, and we could enter and leave at will, and make our real-life trials and troubles seem a little less overwhelming, a little less daunting.

But it was also a world that was taken from us: a community that was scattered to the four proverbial winds. Its no wonder that the loss of a place that did so very much for so very many of us has created so much grief and so much anger. To quote Oz from season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

"I miss you. Like, every second. It's like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso."

For some of us the pain is often that palpable. Many of us have shed tears. Many of us still do.

All that said, healix is correct: you are not alone. WE are not alone. We are here, together, refugees from that world we loved, "a world that was so very fair" (to quote a passage from the book "War Day"), and because we are here together, its a burden that is fully understood, acknowledged, and shareable. Its a burden that can be lessened.

As heroes, we helped the helpless, the ones too weak to help themselves. Now, here, the heroes (and villains) of CoX can help one-another in our dire time of great need. And, for me, knowing that makes things just a little bit better.

Your post is pure awesome, Corvus!  I'm thinking 1970 must have been a very good year.  Thanks for all you bring to these forums.   

[Perfidus]

I was gonna bring up Dynasty Warriors.  I played the heck out of DW3 on the PS2.  Nothing like swinging a weapon and watching peasants go flying.

"Can anyone provide me with decent challenge?!" - Lu Bu

Funnily enough, my first experience with the DW series, was visiting a close friend in 2008... someone I met in CoH, and someone who wept with me when the game closed.

[Victoria Victrix]

My temper is usually under control, but I have one; it's bad enough that it is one of several reasons why I never even considered having children.

In the long ago days before video games, I used to go to Goodwill, buy a box of ugly china nicknacks and mismatched dishes, find an alley and smash them into a dumpster.  I dunno if that will help you, but it's cheap enough to find out.

[faith.grins]

I was stuck at work late today.  Most days that's not a big deal, but today that meant I had to call to cancel the first date I would have had in 2 years.

And I am so damn angry.  I thought of the moment in Fight Club where Ed Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful."  I took a four-year-old, fried motherboard into the parking lot and just stomped on it for 30 minutes until I couldn't stand outside in the cold in my jeans and a t-shirt anymore.  I tore the cpu out of its socket and hurled it against the dumpster.  I screamed until my throat was raw.  And I am still angry.

I can't get past this.  I can't get over it.  I want to take a sledgehammer to my walls and my windows.  I want to hurl myself at the ground over and over again until I cannot make myself get up anymore.  I want to destroy something I love, and I want to hurt myself doing it.

I know this is disproportionate.  I know this is misplaced.  But I still can't shake it.

I hate me.  I just... hate... me.

Tell me that you love me, and that this, too, shall pass.  Tell me that this isn't my fault, and that it will get better.  Tell me I'm better than this, and that we aren't done yet.
Tell me anything but the truth.

[johnrobey]

I was stuck at work late today.  Most days that's not a big deal, but today that meant I had to call to cancel the first date I would have had in 2 years.

And I am so damn angry.  I thought of the moment in Fight Club where Ed Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful."  I took a four-year-old, fried motherboard into the parking lot and just stomped on it for 30 minutes until I couldn't stand outside in the cold in my jeans and a t-shirt anymore.  I tore the cpu out of its socket and hurled it against the dumpster.  I screamed until my throat was raw.  And I am still angry.

I can't get past this.  I can't get over it.  I want to take a sledgehammer to my walls and my windows.  I want to hurl myself at the ground over and over again until I cannot make myself get up anymore.  I want to destroy something I love, and I want to hurt myself doing it.

I know this is disproportionate.  I know this is misplaced.  But I still can't shake it.

I hate me.  I just... hate... me.

Tell me that you love me, and that this, too, shall pass.  Tell me that this isn't my fault, and that it will get better.  Tell me I'm better than this, and that we aren't done yet.
Tell me anything but the truth.

Hi Faith.Grins,
I don't know that I can help but I can sympathize with your frustration.  First, I'm sorry you had to cancel your date, and hope you're able to reschedule it, especially for a time when you're feeling better.   I know that gaming in general and CoH in specific provided a good outlet for venting a la Fight Club - man, I always liked that movie.  Getting over disappoinment and loss takes time. 

I won't say it's disproportionate or misplaced, but it does sound like you recognize that the intensity of your anger is urging you in directions you'd regret such as destroying something you love or worse self-harming behavior.  Rather than simply hating the situation (i.e. hating CoH being unavailable) you've temporarily turned to hating yourself for having these feelings of anger.   I think you already recognize that this isn't currently constructive, but it is sometimes possible to convert anger into resolution; e.g. working out at the gym or tackling un-fun projects - at least that works for me at times.

No, it isn't your fault, and no, we're not done yet.   I don't know you well enough to say "you're better than this" but since you were wise enough to write about it rather than doing something you'd later regret, I suspect this is true.   It's just going to take time for you, me, and lots of us to get over losing CoH.  I haven't found an MMO to replace CoH.  Perhaps in tme I shall, but in lieu of MMORPgaming mostly I've been playing Sid Meier's Civilization, emailing and telephoning friends, and watching various videos and movies on youtube, reading, among other activities.

I think it's certain that things will get better, that in time your anger will diminish; even as "hateful" (as in totally un-fun) as growing experiences can be, often one is better for them.  At a personal level, you may be about to "level up" through dealing with the negative emotions you're feeling.  I'm not sure whether to offer you virtual hugs or a virtual punching bag - or maybe you could use both(?)

Hoping you find these words helpful. 

[Victoria Victrix]

I was stuck at work late today.  Most days that's not a big deal, but today that meant I had to call to cancel the first date I would have had in 2 years.

And I am so damn angry.  I thought of the moment in Fight Club where Ed Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful."  I took a four-year-old, fried motherboard into the parking lot and just stomped on it for 30 minutes until I couldn't stand outside in the cold in my jeans and a t-shirt anymore.  I tore the cpu out of its socket and hurled it against the dumpster.  I screamed until my throat was raw.  And I am still angry.

I can't get past this.  I can't get over it.  I want to take a sledgehammer to my walls and my windows.  I want to hurl myself at the ground over and over again until I cannot make myself get up anymore.  I want to destroy something I love, and I want to hurt myself doing it.

I know this is disproportionate.  I know this is misplaced.  But I still can't shake it.

I hate me.  I just... hate... me.

Tell me that you love me, and that this, too, shall pass.  Tell me that this isn't my fault, and that it will get better.  Tell me I'm better than this, and that we aren't done yet.
Tell me anything but the truth.

Sweetie we just had our entire town laid waste by faceless goons who repeatedly lied to us, denied us closure and wouldn't even acknowledge us as human beings.  We were nothing but numbers to them, and our numbers weren't great enough for them to care.  Why shouldn't you be enraged at a foul thing that reduces you to a cipher?  Why shouldn't you cry havoc against the indifferent flunky who dismisses you as insignificant?  Your friends have been scattered to the winds and you have no home, and it was no tempest that did this, it was the actions of people who just purely did not give a damn about the damage that they did.

You are justified in your rage.  You re justified in your grief.  It is not disproportionate.  You have lost your home.

But some of are still here.  We share your rage and we love you.  It is not your fault that you are angry and you should not hate yourself for being angry.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am not done yet, and I will not give up until I have beaten on the door of every single company on a very long list, and begged them, pleaded with them, to give us our home back.

And that is the truth.

[healix]

*stands shoulder to shoulder with VV, torch held high*

[houtex]

I was stuck at work late today.  Most days that's not a big deal, but today that meant I had to call to cancel the first date I would have had in 2 years.

And I am so damn angry.  I thought of the moment in Fight Club where Ed Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful."  I took a four-year-old, fried motherboard into the parking lot and just stomped on it for 30 minutes until I couldn't stand outside in the cold in my jeans and a t-shirt anymore.  I tore the cpu out of its socket and hurled it against the dumpster.  I screamed until my throat was raw.  And I am still angry.

I can't get past this.  I can't get over it.  I want to take a sledgehammer to my walls and my windows.  I want to hurl myself at the ground over and over again until I cannot make myself get up anymore.  I want to destroy something I love, and I want to hurt myself doing it.

I know this is disproportionate.  I know this is misplaced.  But I still can't shake it.

I hate me.  I just... hate... me.

Tell me that you love me, and that this, too, shall pass.  Tell me that this isn't my fault, and that it will get better.  Tell me I'm better than this, and that we aren't done yet.
Tell me anything but the truth.

Wow... just... wow.  I've had this very thing happen to me.  Glad I'm not the only person where work absolutely screws with them like that.  Gain strength in numbers, friend, and smash the **** outta that old fried stuff.  I preferred a nice sledgehammer and totally dismantled an old Acer computer I hated with a passion.  Totally. Worth. The cleanup.

Also, throwing yourself at the ground is easy, it's the missing part that is hard, but once mastered, you'll be flying around like Arthur Dent and Fenchurch.  Won't that be a pleasant thing indeed?

/Haven't gotten the knack of missing the ground yet myself, but one day...

[Ceremonius]

Your anger reminds me of me when I was younger. Actually I called it hatred and not anger.
Well what was I doing? In school days I was somewhat always the tallest and strongest guy around. I tortured other people just for fun, for the sake of living my hatred, my anger. I felt, well, "good" after it. Maybe it was an outcry for attention? Dunno. I have an older brother, and a mother (divorced), still no real family wich cared about my needs and so on. Maybe it was my solution just to take up the wrath and let it out to some people I didn't wanted to know or I knew and didn't liked.


But than a day came. No special day, just a regular day. I remember I turned 15 this time. And I just stopped.
I won't say there isn't any anger or hatred inside of me, this would be a lie. But i accepted it as being around.
I wanted to know myself how such a hate could be born inside me. So I searched for "my" truth .
I started to read stuff about raising kids, childhood stuff...all that psychological stuff. Well I realized for myself that THERE IS something wich makes me go wild. Actually pretty much serveral childhood traumata caused by my mother (no contact to her).
There is nothing you can ever do erase such thing.

I for myself started with martial arts. No not kung fu jibberish or some other stuff. It was some sort of Street Fighting. I took whatever I needed out of other styles just to suit it to my needs. Like mixing up the mental stuff from ninjutsu (one of the schools of ninjutsu) and crossing it with the calm and flawless moves of tai chi. It really helps me to focus on what does matter.

Also I began to write. Poems, short books, complete books, songs.
This is when it comes to focus. They're preaching you to have an "empty mind". Wich is in my opinion (just MY opinion) total crap.
I prefer to have a journey inside my head while doing my focus. The journey might be a small ship or something like that wich crosses the ocean. And while you are on focus your rage still growls withing you...giving the sky, the clouds, all the enviroment an pretty unique look. That look is about what you have to write if you doing it like me. Cause the look is you inner anger, an image of it.

And yes, I was a soldier too, in combat actually. I did stuff wich I am not proud of cuz I had the order to do it. Also a part of me "broke" due some of that. After I ended my carreer, I found myself being alcohol addicted and in a shape....Well it wasn't to human anymore.

Actually a man wich is alcohol addicted, has mental problems and is indeed a well trained killer isn't a really good mix. First of all I got rid of the alcohol by myself. It took me a freakin year to get away from that, and a huge amount of willpower. Than I started to heal my *ucked up brain....well atleast sort of. I am not good at all stuff and I know that. But with what I was doing I was pretty much always the best, cause I always gave my best. I didn't care about other - yes I was the only one in the company who talked to his boss in a manner wich is not....let's say nice. Cause if I am doing my job, I do it right!

It sort of proudness wich got me back on my knees...well and asskicks by a friend of mine. Wanna thank her btw. but don't ever think she will read in here (her english is....not to mention^^).

I wrote alot of stuff, forgot over the half by now so I'll make a point here.
Means: Go up to the mirror, look inside it and realize that mistakes can happen. Shit can happen. But as long as you have the proudness and the faith to look in your very own eyes, everything will be okay. Not right now but that's life for: Learning who you really are

[Mister Bison]

I've never found myself in such an alarming state, well, recently.

But I've always found some games such as Fighting Games (Street Fighter), Beat'em Alls (Devil May Cry) or fast survival FPS (any with team survival, such as W40K: Space Marine and its exterminatus mode) to be a good outlet. Put it in easy mode or find a cheat and you're gonna have a blast at it :-)

Don't go PvP because you'll either end up more frustrated first, or frustrating others.

[crayehal]

[Mister Bison]

[Victoria Victrix]

Well, this is what I did.

http://www.mercedeslackey.com/

This will remain my front page for as long as it takes.

[Little Green Frog]

Well, this is what I did.

http://www.mercedeslackey.com/

This will remain my front page for as long as it takes.

It is good to have you with us. If anyone has a fighting chance in bringing the game back, it is you. But I also don't envy your position if NCsoft actually decides you are hurting them and decides to lawyer up.

[Victoria Victrix]

It is good to have you with us. If anyone has a fighting chance in bringing the game back, it is you. But I also don't envy your position if NCsoft actually decides you are hurting them and decides to lawyer up.

It's a personal webpage and it is a personal opinion.  They can TRY, but I actually have about 10,000 hours of prepaid legal services lawyers bankrolled.

In the past much larger concerns have attempted to harass much bigger celebrities than me and their cease and desists were thrown out of court.  I could even file a harassment countersuit if I cared to.

[JaguarX]

Well, this is what I did.

http://www.mercedeslackey.com/

This will remain my front page for as long as it takes.

cool website. That should catch a lot of traffic and thus more exposure now and in a place that NCSoft have no control over as it's just a personal website by a particular person that so happens to have played COX that isn't happy with the way it went. What can they do? There is none of their property on that site.

I do like Mercedes-Benz though.  S-Class being my favorite, W126, W140, W220, W116, W221 in that order.

[Perfidus]

Mercedes is her name, she's not saying she's a lackey to Mercedes-Benz. >.>

But I'm sure you knew that and I'm an idiot for assuming you didn't.

[Victoria Victrix]

Mercedes is her name, she's not saying she's a lackey to Mercedes-Benz. >.>

But I'm sure you knew that and I'm an idiot for assuming you didn't.

Further down on the front page is the line:

"If you've found this site, you've either made a mistake in looking for a fine German automobile, or your idea of proper transportation is a pure white, blue-eyed horse that talks to you in your head, a shape-changing dragon, a hot racecar employing technology that isn't exactly "off the shelf", or a basket hung between two magnificent gryphons."

And it ends with "And if you're looking for a fine German automobile, you probably want the Mercedes Benz site. Tell them I sent you."  With Mercedes Benz hyperlinked.

[Perfidus]

Like I said in the last post, I'm an idiot. 

[JaguarX]

Like I said in the last post, I'm an idiot. 

hey, you are no idiot.
Plus where would humans be without assumptions? One look at the cover, and the interior is automatically known is the logic of human thinking it seems.

If people was able to wait for the facts and had the ability to with hold judgement, then assumptions would not exist, and we would not be at this particular moment in this time the way it is now with the alternative being the same or something different for better or worse. Plus waiting/searching/asking for more information take too long, tedious, boring. Assumptions rule the human logic these days. Maybe in the past but I wasn't there so cant say.