Its time I added to this thread...my story isn't as powerful and moving as that of Obsidian Phoenix and I am thankful it is not nearly as heart-rending and yet I have been holding back for the wrong reasons. I think here alone no one will think less of me for knowing the truth. For this to go to NCsoft well I would recommend only excerpts...I'm not writing this for them...I'm writing this for all of you. I don't want to craft a piece of marketing material...this is about opening my heart.
Today I am a trained public speaker, a sometime actress on the local level, a karaoke singer, a fan fiction writer, a poet, a person who works in a office...and a female gamer.
Once long ago there was a little girl with an invisible disability who did not have an easy life....and was told a great many things she would never have, never find, and never do. She was horribly uncoordinated to the point that video games started out as a prescription to try and build hand-eye coordination. That little girl went through motor skills tutoring and found out that she was paradoxically good at many athletics...she had great reflexes, good instincts, and balance...but the lack of spacial perception would always get in her way. And so despite of being a born athlete in many ways she was never going to really be one...still she managed to get on several high school sports teams and do well enough to compete, never win but compete. She learned to be content with that because there really was no other choice...she could never compete against others, only herself. She prided herself on those athletic achievements, paltry though they were, because the only place she had ever been encouraged.
That little girl learned to know frustration very well. She had so many potential talents but the only thing that she was ever encouraged in was trying to appear "normal". She was very, very good at reading from a very young age and lost herself in a world of books by many authors (including one on this board.) There she learned that different could mean special not broken and that maybe the world could actually accept her for who she was. It was a wonderful difference from the discouraging and hateful words that often filled her daily life, including from people who were supposed to love her.
She had a singing voice but struggled with rhythm and of course being a singer was not a practical profession...neither was acting, or writing...the things she actually loved doing and maybe would have had a chance of making it if actual training had been given. So upon reaching adulthood she finally was able to join a local semi-professional theater company, get positively acknowledged in the local papers, and then have to quit because she had to get a second job.
She was good with computers, largely because she was told to learn typing so people would not have to read her horrible handwriting and has the sort of mind that assimilates concepts rapidly. She had an early knack for programing and wanted to take further classes but kept being told to wait for another year...until the field left her completely behind.
Her focus in school was on learning to appear normal...dumb down her strengths and camoflauge her weaknesses until she looked like every other drone...dreams were something to be immediately squashed and broken
She used to be painfully shy not because it was her nature but because the world had stomped so hard and often on her individuality that she had learned to be ashamed of it.
So she sang quietly to her self but never believed she was any good, wrote stories but showed them to no one.
She was a desperately unhappy child always afraid that someone would see through the facade she had been forced to build, always working on a new mask.
She loved animals because there was never a need to hide with them...she loved music, video, games, books, being outdoors, anything and everything that let her escape from the constant and oppressive *assault* of reality.
She was a sensitive child who cared about others and then learned it only got her hurt and betrayed....yet still kept trying.
She considered ending it, but she was far to stubborn for that...she refused to surrender and made a vow to herself that she would not give in. She would not let people who set out to destroy her have the satisfaction of winning.
This little girl eventually grew up, she left that town full of hate and pain, she found new friends people who did not ridicule her at every turn and reaffirmed that every single interest she had was not worthy only of mockery...every opinion she had was not wrong. It is still hard for her to trust people, she has been through far to much, but she slowly learned to peal away the layers one by one.
She found new role models and started to unearth the shattered remnants of her dreams. Maybe it was far to late to ever be famous or successful in any way her family would acknowledge but she vowed to stop being ashamed of herself, to embrace acting, singing, and writing as wonderful hobbies that she wishes were more but probably would never be. She hiked the grand canyon because it was a tangible achievement. She learned to drive a car even if it was a far years later then most. At first it was hard to pick up a karaoke microphone, give a speech, lead a group, step on a stage or show anyone something she had written...the newest illusion is one of confidence something that becomes a little more real every day.
Eight years ago she picked up her very first MMO, she made a decision for herself that she wanted to be a hero and that she would not be afraid of joining an online community...and they accepted her. They did not care that she got lost easily on maps, they laughed with her at typos, they affirmed that video games were not just a childish pastime...after a hard day npc and player alike were there with a word of thanks.
When she needed to get rid of anger, this young woman could find a villain worthy of destruction.
When the weather was awful outside or she was sick the vistas of paragon city provided a wonderful place to explore.
When she could not seem to do anything right there was always a successful mission.
When she needed a friend...her real life friends and husband were on the same team because she had successfully shared something she loved and had it echoed rather then being ridiculed or ashamed.
Today I am no longer that little girl. It would be impossible to heal every scar without losing the sensitivity and compassion that are so much a part of me. But I have come a very long way toward paving over that road of pain. My life is far from perfect but before this announcement about City of Heroes I was happy. I am very proud to be a gamer and a member of the wonderful community that is city of heroes.
City of Heroes may not be the source of that healing but it has been a true and lasting inspiration...and the people of this community are among those who have given me the courage and strength to start making something of my life.
So here I stand before you...stripped of my armor, acknowledging my flaws...and why I will fight till the bitter end for a game. Because City of heroes IS far more then a game. It is a community, where I am accepted....and can be the hero....I have always *wished* I could be.
