The Adventures of Bruno Switchblade

[Stealth Dart]

So I thought I would share with you all a story with graphics from City of Heroes.  So to put this in context, I was posting on a message board that had a comic relief topic where people could share stories.  A friend of mine named Scott told funny stories based on the adventures of his imaginary dog Scarby.  One of these stories dealt with a troll situation we were dealing with at the time in a humorous way to lighten the mood as it were.  One of my other friends Patrick inspired by this story sent in a couple of joke letters.  This led me to come up with the bright idea of adding some graphics via COH with some improvised scripting.  The result is what you see below

[Stealth Dart]

The Adventures of Bruno Switchblade Part 1

Written by Scott
Hey Everybody! Scarby Just Got Kidnapped By The Trolls Named Dicey and Iffy!! I Smell A Skunk!!
I have just been abducted by these trolls named Dicey and Iffy!!!

They left a note on the message board that reads, "If you want your dog back then stop preaching against our hunchback friend Quasimodo of Notre Dame!!

We left Scarby in a dumpster down the block on your street next to the fire hydrant which by the time we put him in the dumpster; well, lets just say when you get there just don't step in the puddle!!!

We request that you quit picking on all us trolls!! Wait we don't even like being called trolls!! We have names you know!!! We are people too you know--we may be faceless folk on the internet but we have feelings too-you know; it's not easy having to go from one website to the next and planting our disruptive devises on the message board just to see if it will explode and anger all those innocent bystanders!!!

We love to stir up conflict and controversy!! We tried throwing your dog Scarby into the dumpster but when we checked into the canister later, after a period of long silence, we looked in and found no Scarby in all that trash!!

All we found was a scorch mark on a trash bag as if he vanished into a puff of smoke!!!

What is this we here about your boy Scarby having the ability to disappear and time travel by chasing his tail around and round until he maxes out in a blinding tailspin and becomes invisible??

We have no idea where he is-so don't come crying to us!!
We just wrote this letter to see what you might be able to tell us about what might have become of your chicken-hearted ego-centric coward Scarby character!!

This is all we have to say, now we must go visit another website to dispense of our negative charm and scathing shrapnel!!!

Signed: Dicey and Iffy!!!!!

Scarby: That's interesting!!! I just got finished reading this letter about my capture and they haven't a clue to where I am---Don't I just love this time travel thingy!!!!

Now where is Scott--I'm hungry--time travel really makes your stomach growl!!! I guess it has to do with all those body protons reassembling all over again!!!

[Stealth Dart]

Written by Patrick


Dear Mr Scott;

On behalf of all of us here at Fagin's Five Finger Discount Auto and Doughnut Shop, we would gladly pay you to come and get Scarby at your earliest convenience.
This dog has closed down the doughnut shop and we have no idea how to get the hot chocolate and Bavarian Creme stains off of the ceiling. I will not ever eat another cinnamon twist for the rest of my life....it was horrible.....I've never seen anything eat like that before.
Please!! We will pay you anything you ask!!! Do you know what an invisible, time-capitulated mutt can do to your house...your store...the poodle next door???
Please!! We'll drive him to your house....we'll pay your cable bill....we'll name a street after you in New Jersey....anything!!!

Sincerely Yours,

Bruno Switchblade

P.S. Dicey & Iffey are no longer on the payroll!!!

Written by Patrick

Dear Scott;
A Mr. Bruno Switchblades came to see me here at St. Alphonso's of Pizza. I know this man to be a generous man and I might add, he takes care of the parish automobile ( '68 Chrysler New Yorker, black, with a 426 Hemi and 5 speed Hurst shifter with all the chrome you need to call home ).
It seems Mr. Switchblades has asked me, to ask you, as an act of Christian Charity, to please let him return your dog to you. He is sitting in my office, shaking his head, saying over and over, "It's horrible...just horrible...I'm gonna be sick!!"
I am also supposed to apprise you, that his prize schnauzer is no longer in heat.
Please, let us send him home to you...he can ride in our limousine....or in a taxi....and plenty of doggie bags. There will be a small love gift as well....Is cash okay????

R.S.V.P. Father Linguine

[Stealth Dart]

Bruno Switchblade      Script and graphics by Knight Michael
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2Fw22a95.jpg

Yo Scotty,
Me and the boyz we gotta problem youse see. We still ain't heard back from you about the Scarbone. He ate up all the Slim Jims™ and Burritos we got at the local convenience store who were kind enough to donate them. And by donate I mean give them free of charge if ya know what I mean.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2Fdfvfi0.jpg

In any event, we still are waitin' for youse to pick up your mutt. We put 'em on ice ya see. And by ice I mean we put 'em in a cooler.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2Fipa1z4.jpg

All we needs from you is an address so we can drop him off like. In fact all we needs is a cross street. The Scarbone, he will stop traffic all on his own. If ya know what I mean. We await your reply. And by reply I mean answer. I ain't gettin' any younger.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2F33to08m.jpg

On second thoughts,,,forget the address. Just give me and the boys a landmark and I am sure the Scarbone can find his own way home.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i52.tinypic.com%2Fxsmj6.jpg

[Stealth Dart]

The Adventures of Bruno Switchblade Part 2  script and graphics by Knight Michael
So's I sends for my twoest newest Boyz Dwayne and Lorenzo.
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2F2cyp3rl.jpg
[Dwayne] "So Lorenzo What's up?"

[Lorenzo] "I dunno?" "I think the Boss has a job for us. I think he wants us to get rid of the dog." Lorenzo shudders.

After the meeting and some very garbled directions our two mobsters head for the far North.
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i52.tinypic.com%2Fixulaa.jpg
[Dwayne] "You sure this is the way?"

[Lorenzo] "Pretty Sure, its through this entrance here."
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2F25gzar8.jpg
[Dwayne] "Man, its freakin' cold here. How far north are we?

[Lorenzo] "You don' wanna know!"
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2Fi4hd9f.jpg
[Dwayne] "So this is the joint, huh?"

[Lorenzo] "I sure hope so, cuz my frequent flyer miles is just about up!"

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F35kmqus.jpg
[Dwayne] "So are we there yet?"

[Lorenzo] "Man you are a bigger complainer than Dicey and He's a troll!"

[Dwayne] "So how come the Boss didn't send Iffy and Dicey to take care of this?"

[Lorenzo] "Because the Boss cut 'em from the Payroll. Besides you can't trust a troll anyways!"
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2Fkcjfoh.jpg
[Dwayne] "Okay so now what?"

[Lorenzo] "Now we find this Scott guy and drop off the mutt and take off."

[Dwayne] "Is it that green guy in the funny suit?"

[Lorenzo] "I dunno, lets ask 'em."
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2F29fqfs4.jpg

[Lorenzo] "Excuse me Sir, are you Scotty?"

The North Pole elf just stares at the pair.
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2F2v8r0qv.jpg

[Lorenzo] "We brought your dog back. He's only a little worse for wear, bein' on account of the long flight and all.

The elf continues to stare at the two and the growing puddle of water underneath the cooler. The sound of chattering teeth can be heard from inside the cooler.

[Dwayne] "I don't think that's him Lorrie."

[Lorenzo] "How many times I told yas, my name is Lorenzo NOT LORRIE!" "Fine whatevah, maybe the old man over by the fireplace then."
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i54.tinypic.com%2Ffnzug.jpg
[Lorenzo] "Excuse me Sir, are you Scotty?"

The old man glowers at the pair.

[Lorenzo] "We brought your dog back. He's only a little worse for wear, bein' on account of the long flight and all.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2F5al6dz.jpg
[Lorenzo] "Well just leave him then, and be on our way. C'mon Dwayne."

Lorenzo nudges his partner towards the door.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F1038mpz.jpg
[Dwayne] "Are you sure that was him?"

[Lorenzo] "At this point I don' really care, I am freezing my tucass off here. Let's roll."

[Dwayne] "Man, these jobs keep getting weirder and weirder."

Stay tuned for the future adventures of "Bruno Switchblades": brought to you by Lolli-pups...the #1 treat for your dog and by Brylcreme....a little dab will do ya!!
Tune in again tomorrow when we'll hear Lorenzo say, "No Boss!! I swear...we left him in the box.....I don't know how he could be back here before us!!!"

[Stealth Dart]

The Adventures of Bruno Switchblade Part 3  script and graphics by Knight Michael

Meanwhile in a place known as The Badland Hills two trolls named Iffy and Dicey are deep in conversation.
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2F2441unm.jpg
[Iffy] "What happen Dicey, why we not get paid?"

[Dicey] "Boss fire us because of Dog."
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2F2rz3pef.jpg
[Dicey] "Now we both fired!"

[Iffy] "WHATT!!"
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2Fixea6d.jpg
[Dicey] "We find own job now."
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2Fpoqc0.jpg
[Iffy] "That easy for you to say, you have brother in demolitions work!"

[Dicey] "Hmmm...not bad idea."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F2d2bnub.jpg
[Dicey] "Forget what I say earlier, this hard work!"

Meanwhile Iffy gets a visit.

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2Fvmumua.jpg
[Trolls Taskforce Ted] I am here investigating a missing dog. Goes by the name of Scarby. Have you seen him?"

[Iffy] "Buzz off cop I ain't talkin'"

[Trolls Taskforce Ted] "perhaps a little time at the station might change your attitude?"
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2Fsynh92.jpg
[Dicey] "What appears to be problem?"

[Trolls Taskforce Ted] "Your friend here is involved in an ongoing investigation. We are searching for a missing dog named Scarby." Ted flashes Dicey a photo of Scarby.
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=t0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AnbAwnBB9LgySXM%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2F411chatter.com%2Fimages%2Fgus-ugliest-dog.jpg%26amp%3Bt%3D1
[Trolls Taskforce Ted] "I am afraid I am gonna have to site your friend for Loitering, Littering, and Disturbing the Peace." "Unless perhaps you are willing to pay his fine?"
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i52.tinypic.com%2Fv7xiyx.jpg
[Dicey] "Man, I hate dis job!"

And now we continue with the Further Adventures of Bruno Switchblade brought to you by our sponsors Brylcreme™ and Lollipups™.

[Stealth Dart]

The Adventures of Bruno Switchblade Part 4  script and graphics by Knight Michael

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i52.tinypic.com%2F20562cg.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "Alright boyz, I brought youse here to discuss some things. First, ya really messed up with the dog delivery. As Dwayne was directly responsible for this operation he has been cut from the payroll. And when I say cut from the payroll I mean eliminated. And when I say eliminated I mean terminated if ya know what I mean."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i52.tinypic.com%2F2w529ev.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "And put that hardware away, I hear their has been a cop named Ted nosing around. Ya never know whose may be watchin'."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i56.tinypic.com%2F21mgn5d.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "Now Lorenzo, where is the Scarbone exactly?"

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2F1268mbt.jpg

[Lorenzo] Lorenzo gulps nervously. "Gee, Boss, me and Dwayne we dropped the cooler off at the place ya told us to."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F2wnuvx3.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "Then perhaps youse can explain THIS!

[Lorenzo] "No Boss!! I swear...we left him in the box.....I don't know how he could be back here before us!!! He had to be in the cooler, We heard his teeth chattering and everything!"

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2Fzluo3m.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "Ya mean, these teeth!"

[Lorenzo] "But boss, there was a puddle of water by the cooler!"

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F2m7dpjt.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "I am up to here with your excuses ya moron. If it weren't for the fact that we's iz distantly related youse would be with Dwayne right not at the bottom of the lake. That pool of water was the bag of ice melting ya dolt!"

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i55.tinypic.com%2F2uo27nn.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "Let's head to my office where wese can have some privacy."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i53.tinypic.com%2F2qup0m0.jpg

"I am gonna give you Lorenzo, your brother Alfonso and your cousin Vinnie here one last chance to make this right. Now drop off that mutt and no more excuses, Do I makes myself clear? Youse is dismissed and by dismissed I mean get outta here and take the dog with youse."

https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i51.tinypic.com%2Fxbzuxw.jpg

[Bruno Switchblade] "If ya needs me I am gonna be occupied in my second office and by second office
I mean the John. Now leave me in peace!"

[Announcer] "We hope that you have enjoyed this latest installment of Bruno Switchblade. Remember Brylcreme™...A little dab will do ya. And Lollipups™ the #1 dog treat in America.

[Stealth Dart]

Written by Watching
And the moral of the story is................

1) If you ever see a cooler with a bag of ice on the outside, you may want to check and see what's on the inside of the cooler.

2) Never hop on a plane if you don't know where it's going. (Especially if you're running low on frequent flyer miles).

3) Elves living in the North Pole are not always friendly. (Who knows, maybe Santa had to give them a pay cut, with the economy and all.)

4) You may not want to give your pet a "lollypup" right after their bedtime bath, as it may promote tooth decay.

And last but not least...............

5) Not all trolls are bad. Some can be cute and cuddly, like this one:
https://images.weserv.nl/?url=s6.thisnext.com%2Fmedia%2Flargest_dimension%2F1719B156.jpg
THE END...FOR NOW.