If I explained it wouldn't make things any better. Maybe it will. I'll try.
I've been in a forced situation like this lately. With making the choice. At one time the person putting me in the position was a lot older and bigger than me. Now, they're just a lot older and I'm still thinking, hey, ya know, I'm just not into it.
And then it dawns on me, oddly, hey, what is fighting anyway... and the topic was born. Because where else would I go to share such an epiphany but here? The place where people have already waded through 600+ posts of my weirdness.
To summarize.
Yeah you're right it's weird. My bad.