Growing up in City of Heroes

[emu265]

[Mods, feel free to move this around wherever appropriate]


Well guys, today is the day.  THAT day.  The end times.  Except it's not really the end, at least not for me.  But I wanted to share something with you all today, something rather personal.  I hope you'll indulge me, because this is going to be fairly long. 
As I've mentioned a few times, I have been playing City of Heroes on and off since I was fourteen years old.  I am twenty-one now.  As I'm sure most of you know, a lot of changes takes place in a person between the time they are fourteen, not even old enough to drive, and the time they are twenty-one, and can legally drink alcohol (at least here in the States).  City of Heroes has been with me for the duration, and has had a powerful impact on my creativity, social skills and even my ethics.  Most importantly, however, is the impact this game has had on my own self image.  I realized this as I was screenshotting the many "mains" I have created and armed to the teeth.
I always base my main character in a game off of myself.  I suppose I am egocentric like that, but I like to feel involved in what I am doing.  When I'm creating and equipping "myself", I put forth a full and committed effort to doing it well.  My mains, over the years, have included:

Allen Phantom
AP Steele
Allen Steele
Allen Steele
Allen Steele   
(my first name is Allen, if you couldn't have guessed :P)

Each one of them is a different character.  They each use different powers and each have their own distinct personality.  Every time I would move on to a new main (usually changing servers or simply transferring them to procure the name), I would always being with a fresh perspective on who I was.  So, here's who I have been...

Allen Phantom
This is back when my main was a simple answer to the question, "if you could have super powers, what would they be?"  Allen Phantom was my first level 50, and he was a Force Field/Radiation Blast Defender of science origin.  I was obsessed with Danny Phantom at the time, and I wanted his powers.  So I made my own half-ghost hero and took to the streets of Paragon City.  The ride to 50 was long, the XP curve being totally unforgiving back in the day (pre-Issue 6!).  I was a kid, I only chose Radiation Blast because it was green and Force Field because Danny put himself in a green bubble once or twice in the TV series.  Nevertheless, it was me.  With superpowers.  It thought it was the coolest thing ever.  He was a Virtue resident.


AP Steele
AP (a not-so-subtle reference to Allen Phantom) Steele was a more sophisticated attempt at expressing myself.  AP Steele was the person I wanted to be.  He was a Broad Sword/Willpower Scrapper who was tough as nails.  I even solo'd an AV once ;D  The unkillability of AP was something I wanted to have.  I wanted to have a fighting spirit, to never give up.  I didn't need flashy or shiny, I just needed stability... or the power to stand on my own with no outside help (if that isn't a metaphor for my mid-teens, I don't know what is).  AP lasted a long time, he served as my learning template for the invention system, where I discovered the wonders of min/maxing.  AP was my main all the way up until my freshman year in college.  He lived on Infinity.

Allen Steele the first
Allen Steele's creation came from my desire to min/max.  He was a Super Strength/Willpower Brute.  I maintained the whole stand-on-my-own thing, while being able to maximize my potential through careful attention to IOs and slot choices.  Basically, AP Steele had stability but failed to achieve greatness.  This Allen was an attempt to remedy that.  I wanted to stand on my own AND be a team player.

Allen Steele the second
This Allen was also a Brute, and was created largely from the idea that the first Allen Steele didn't have enough potential.  Thus I created a Broadsword/Electric Armor Brute.  Combining my love for the sword with the almost unlimited potential of Electric Armor.  This character is my most expensive character to date.  He had everything.  He could tank, he could kill.  He didn't need anyone but he could also support others.  My ideal self.

Allen Steele the third
I realized, over the summer actually, that I was not the person I had created three times over.  I looked not at the powers I wanted, but the powers I (would) have, love them or hate them.  This Allen was about accepting myself, and learning to love myself.  He has a very special place in my heart because I have a very, very, very difficult time respecting and appreciating myself.  I spend a lot of time dwelling on how I can be better and how I am not good enough.  This Allen is a Storm Summoning/Fire Blast Defender.  I picked Storm because I had always felt drawn to it, but never engaged enough to truly celebrate it.  It was fantastic.  This is by far the most fun character I have ever made.  I wasn't concerned with being the best, just being what I was.  The result was fun AND powerful.  It makes me incredibly sad to think I didn't get as much time with this iteration of Allen Steele as the others. 

Thank you for reading.  This is my two cents on why City of Heroes is not "just a game" and a brief look at how it has reflected and impacted my life.  I have learned from each of my mains, and each of the countless alts I have created.  It won't end after today, because I'll never stop growing and I'll never ignore what's made me who I am today.