tldr version; Three supervillains from different realities meet for a drink.
The Multiverse Bar, Grill and Convention Center was a hodgepodge of conflicting concepts. The architect who designed it had been, if popular rumor held true, in the final stages of acute Alzheimer's syndrome when he conceived of it. Hallways that went nowhere, doors that opened directly to the outside of the building's exterior walls... on the third floor, ceilings that dropped to a mere two feet high, rooms that were only there half the time, and a myriad of other madness abounded.
Dregor Bogdanovic; super villain, insane genius and self-taught interior designer, fell instantly in love with the building when he first laid eyes on it. Since no in their right minds would even conceive of purchasing such a monstrosity, he got it for practically nothing. In reality, this was one of those instances where truth was stranger than fiction. The original architect's daughter had been so desperate to get rid of her father's "pet project" that she had left the keys and signed deed transfer papers nailed to the front door along with a sign with but a single word on it; Free!
Dregor, or Devious Design as he called himself when decked out in one of his many custom costumes (check your realities for genuine previously worn Devious Design uniforms, accept no knock offs, available on E-Bay, Craig's List and at Devious Design dot com!), sunk all his considerable resources into decorating the building in as many different ways as he could. Since Bogdanovic was a master at transdimensional travel and gateway technology, he literally had the entire multiverse to draw from for his inspiration.
The results were spectacular. If you defined spectacular as taking a walk through a cross between a carnival funhouse and an insane asylum decorated by the inmates... with the subtle lighting of a disco nightclub... while on acid.
Desperate to share his creation with... well... everyone... Dregor used his reality piercing tech to create doorways to it from every world imaginable. It didn't take long for the word to get out about the place and soon The Multiverse Bar, Grill and Convention Center was a hotspot for both the experienced and virginal dimension hoppers.
By general agreement the building became a neutral territory where the criminal element and protectors of justice could rub elbows without said elbows being delivered at high velocity. This had less to do with a formalized contract than it did with simple prudence. For one thing, the house bordered on literally thousands of realities and dimensions, so the determination of jurisdiction was enough to cause even the most stalwart district attorney's head to implode. Also, after several mega-criminals stumbled onto worlds ripe for the plunder by ducking through the first door available to escape heroic pursuers, the hero types agreed that perhaps the greater good would be better served just letting them drink their beers in peace.
Three super villains, each one having long since reached arch-nemesis status in their respective worlds, sat around a small table in one dimly lit corner of what was referred to as the Leisure Lounge. The wait staff in the lounge were entirely clothed in white polyester with an abundance of gold jewelry hanging about their necks. Bogdanovic may have been willing to spend any amount of money on his interior design, but that apparently did not extend to costuming his employees judging by the green stains the gold chains and rings had left behind. The room itself was normal until one looked at the walls and ceiling, which resembled nothing so much as the interior of a multi-colored lava lamp.
The dance floor, despite being spacious, was completely empty as the slowly oozing walls in one's peripheral vision tended to induce vertigo. A club janitor was the floor's only occupant as he cleaned up after one of the more adventurous patron's attempts to dance.
Lord Recluse sighed and pushed his mug of beer from one hand to the other without much interest. "Then they just cancelled it," he said, his many cybernetic spider legs gesturing broadly to express his distress. "I mean, seriously... How do you CANCEL an entire reality?"
"And people call US monsters," one of his table mates, Lex Luthor, said. He lifted the wine glass to his nose and sniffed diffidently while swirling the contents. He made a face. "Over two thousand dimensions to draw from and that lunatic Bogdanovic makes the house wine Mad Dog 20/20. Typical." He scowled and poured it on the floor. Across the room the janitor, who had just finished the dance floor, sighed tragically and trundled his bucket and mop towards them.
"There are worse things than being out and out cancelled," came the modulated voice of Doctor Victor Von Doom. Despite the heavily synthesized nature of his tones, it was easy to detect the depression lingering within them. He stuck a finger into his large stein of German beer. A slight whirring sound was heard and the beer began to disappear, followed by swallowing sounds from behind his metal mask.
"What could possibly be worse than having your universe cancelled?" Recluse asked, glaring at him.
Before Doom could answer the question, however, his cell phone began to ring. The bright and far-too-cheerful tones of "It's a Small World After All" had his two companions staring at him as he fumbled to answer it quickly.
"Hello?" he said, turning his face away from their incredulous looks. "No, I'm off duty. Yes, I read the contract. I realize that... But I'm not WORKING at the moment... No. Yes. Fine. No such thing as off the clock... I get it. Yes, I GET IT."
He snapped the cell phone shut and glared at it as though resisting the urge to blast it into fragments. In an excellent show of self-control he put it back into its housing on the arm of his armor and lifted his head to stare across the room.
Recluse and Luthor turned to look in the same direction, seeing a small cluster of other villains sitting together in a corner. They recognized some of them, including Jafaar, Captain Hook and what looked like a gaunt lion with a scar through one of his eyes. Hook smiled malevolently and tapped his hook against the top of his head with a meaningful nod.
Luthor and Recluse turned back to see Doom take a small black cap with two large, round ears on it from under his cape. Synthesized muttering emerging from his mouth piece, he jammed it hard onto the top of his head, his hood crumpling under it.
"Yes," he snarled. "There ARE some things worse than being cancelled outright."
Luthor didn't bother to hide his smirk. "Oh yes, I'd heard something about a transfer of ownership. Is the... er... chapeau... company policy?"
"No," Doom said shortly. "It's a hazing ritual. I have to do it to get into the Fraternal Order of Villainous Animated Characters. I would have refused them but you have to be a member to be in the Union and the Mouse is a harsh taskmaster without some form of protection."
Recluse looked thoughtful. "You may be right," he mused. "After all, our reality COULD have been bought out by EA Sports. I can only imagine what Madden would come up with for a hazing rite."
"Bet it would involve fried chicken and confusing diagrams," Luthor said with an evil grin.
Doom was a bit miffed about Luthor's enjoyment of his public humiliation and a bit of oil coated his tones as he said in innocent tones, "You're the last one who should be criticizing either one of us for a bad turn of events. At least Stephan and I were victims of powers beyond our control... Unlike someone I know who decided to become a good guy from what I've heard."
"One of us became went over to the Boy Scout side?" Luthor said with not a small amount of delight. He simply adored gossip. "Who?"
"You." Victor said with deep satisfaction.
"What?!" Luthor's chair clattered to the floor as he leapt to his feet in indignation.
"What do you call going back in time... making a deal with his most hated enemies to save the world... then seeding the planet with tech that will imbue thousands if not millions of common people with super powers?" Doom leaned back his chair on its rear two legs, crossing his arms over his armored chest and smirked under his mask. "Certainly doesn't sound particularly villainous to me."
Luthor was sputtering in rage. "What is the sense of killing all my enemies only to have the world I just conquered be taken from me by an even greater evil? I had no choice!"
Recluse shook his head and finally took a sip of his beer, grimacing at its warmth. "You obviously had time travel capabilities," he said and pushed the remaining beer aside, reaching for the bowl of peanuts on the table. "I would have just gone back and told myself what happened. Then I could have formulated a plan by which I let the new evil and my heroic enemies take each other out."
"Without having to fill the world with a million new heroes and villains either trying to thwart my every plan or competing for resources," Doom added pleasantly.
"Trust me," Recluse said in dull tones. "I come from a world where every other person you pass on the street is a secret identity. It's not what you call a land of opportunity for individuals in our profession."
"That's entirely aside from the point... I had to do something... Brainiac was invading... Ships... lots and lots of ships..." Luthor sputtered on for a time then finally grabbed his chair from the floor, set it down with a loud thud, then sat in it. He braced his face up with fisted hands, elbows on the table and muttered; "It seemed a good idea at the time."
They sat in silence for a time, each caught up in their separate thoughts. Recluse munched on peanuts as he perused the Help Wanted ads in the Multiverse Gazette.
"Well," Doom finally said, making an effort to bolster his sagging spirits. "At least I'll get to watch that pansy Darth Vader get hazed," he mused. "That guy is such an obvious knock-off of me it's ridiculous."
"Doom with asthma," Recluse agreed, turning to the next page of the paper without looking up.
"Hey, Victor," Luthor said. "Don't look now but there's a chick at the bar that's been checking you out for the last fifteen minutes."
"I know, just ignore her." Doom said flatly.
"She's smiling at you," Luthor noted.
"She's always smiling at me," Victor snarled. "Ignore her or she'll come over here."
"I guess she's attractive," Luthor said, enjoying himself once more. "In a severely handsome sort of way... although I have to say I've never really been into women that... hefty... myself."
"Shut up, Luthor."
"Although her being half octopus could be problematic," Luthor's grin was pure evil. "But then again there's an entire film library from Japan for people who just love that kind of thing."
Against his better judgment, Doom glanced up and flinched when Ursula's smile blossomed even wider. She slithered down from her bar stool and began making her way towards them.
Recluse glanced up. "Oh, her. Captain Mako dated her for a few months back in the day." He turned his eyes back to the paper. "As I recall, she's a bit of a hugger."
Stephan only listened with half an ear as Luthor invited the sea witch to pull up several chairs and sit a while. Strangely enough, talking with his fellow villains had begun to make him feel a little better about his situation.
Yes, there was nothing like spending time with friends to pick you up when you were down.
Quote from: Steelclaw on January 10, 2013, 04:50:19 PM
"Although her being half octopus could be problematic," Luthor's grin was pure evil. "But then again there's an entire film library from Japan for people who just love that kind of thing."
HAHAHAHAhahaha ha... ha... ha....
*not sure if funny or disturbing because it's probably true*
Also, will there be other editions of this coming out? Maybe Praetorians or Heroes? A version with Synapse getting in a drinking contest with, well, anyone, could be quite amusing....
Quote*not sure if funny or disturbing because it's probably true*
... unfortunately for your sanity, it
is true. ;D
Quote from: The Fifth Horseman on January 10, 2013, 11:09:04 PM
... unfortunately for your sanity, it is true. ;D
... well at least it's somewhat reassuring that I didn't know that off the top of my head. :P
Pure comedy gold as always, Steelclaw!
Quote from: Lucretia MacEvil on January 11, 2013, 02:12:35 AM
... well at least it's somewhat reassuring that I didn't know that off the top of my head. :P
If you've ever heard Tenebrous Tentacles being called "hentaicles", ... now you know.
I wonder, does the Phoenix Project have anything equivalent to Pocket D in their design - a place for heroes and villains to hang out and not beat each other up? If not, would using this be possible and/or a good idea?
The room they had gathered in was affectionately known as The Oubliette. The original designer of the building had, for reasons unknown, filled the surrounding walls with cork, leaving the room completely silent except for those already within it. The room itself was a small perfect circle of only fifteen feet diameter. Bogdanovic had so loved the space that he painted its walls, floor and ceiling completely black, then hooked fog machines to the vents near the ceiling. The room's only furnishings was a small circular table as well as chairs exactly matching the room's occupants. From the high ceiling hung a thick black cord which ended in a circular metal shade and a very low wattage bulb.
Indeed, the bulb was so pitiful in its attempts to light the mist shrouded room that occupants of the table could barely see one another despite sitting close. They all sat back in their chairs, each enjoying the quiet of the room that provided no distractions from the game they were playing.
"A bomb placed in the basement of city hall, set to explode on a holiday when the building is sure to be empty," said the first figure, a hulking mechanized being known as Lord Nemesis.
There was no hesitation in the reply. "A distraction from the true objective," said one of the remaining two, Rorschach, whose mask's black patches wandered and joined on its white surface. "But a necessary one to disarm."
"Meaning the bomb will be accompanied by a clue as to the real objective," this said by the final member of the room. Batman seemed to be one of the shadows, even his voice seemed more ghost than corporeal man.
"Excellent," Lord Nemesis said, steepling his fingers together before him. "Shall we begin?" At the nods from the other two the Prussian Prince began. "A Get Well Soon card signed by the Easter Bunny."
"Target is James C. Cadbury, multimillionaire stock broker outside town," Batman riposted.
"Found dead with no blood inside his body and the word Charity carved on his forehead," said Nemesis.
"Go immediately to the local red cross and cross-check all bagged blood of his blood type with his DNA," Rorschach said intensely, leaning further into the feeble light.
"The blood is found, but mixed in with it is strawberry Kool Aid," said Nemesis, relaxing back in his chair which creaked alarmingly. "The initials of the attending phlebotomist are O.Y."
Rorschach jumped in quickly, cutting off Batman. "Check for prominent local figures with the same blood type, paying close attention to those with diabetes."
"Incorrect," replied Recluse with a soft chuckle. "Penalty point. Any thoughts Batman?"
"Search the blood facility and Cadbury's home for walls that have been damaged... also for signs of new construction in case they had been damaged and then repaired." The Dark Knight said it slowly, thinking his way through it.
"Signs of new construction in the eastern wall of blood donation building," Nemesis said, applauding lightly.
"Wait," Rorschach interrupted. "How the hell is that relevant to the clue?"
Batman retreated further into the shadows, giving Rorschach the distinct impression he was hiding a smirk. "The initials O.Y. stand for Oh Yeah. The Kool Aid guy always broke through walls in the commercials."
"You've got to be kidding me," Rorschach said but waved his hands in disgust.. "Fine, fine. I concede the point. Keep going."
Lord Nemesis nodded. "Damaged wall abuts with a jewelry store. Only one gem stone has been stolen despite millions of dollars worth being available. The gem stone in question is very small, barely a karat, but is perfect otherwise."
Rorschach leaned forward so aggressively the table scraped the floor. "Search for missing laser technology over the past month."
"Laser missing from the local college of applied sciences, specifically its communications department." Lord Nemesis paused, as though savoring the taste of his next words in his mouth before delivering them. "A single security guard is laying dead directly next to the laser's former resting spot. His mouth is stuffed with navel fuzz."
There was a long silence which Rorschach finally broke. "Naval fuzz? What, like Navy Military Police?"
"Navel fuzz as in belly button lint," Nemesis replied pleasantly.
The silence stretched out until finally Nemesis rose to his feet. "Since you both seem to have hit something of a dead end, I'll grant you both time to research and/or cogitate on the matter. I think a week should be ample time for gentlemen of your... skill sets."
As he walked towards the room's only door, Batman's voice, sounding severely preoccupied, came from the darkness. "Are you sure you're not an alternate reality version of Edward Nigma?"
Nemesis opened the door and paused only a moment before walking through it, tossing back his rejoinder as he departed.
"Please, compared to me Edward Nigma's plots are best suited for a Golden Key book."
Nemesis closed the door, leaving the two detectives completely in the dark.
That is awesome. :D
Quote from: Steelclaw on January 11, 2013, 08:19:26 PM
"Laser missing from the local college of applied sciences, specifically its communications department." Lord Recluse paused, as though savoring the taste of his next words in his mouth before delivering them. "A single security guard is laying dead directly next to the laser's former resting spot. His mouth is stuffed with navel fuzz."
There was a long silence which Rorschach finally broke. "Naval fuzz? What, like Navy Military Police?"
"Navel fuzz as in belly button lint," Recluse replied pleasantly.
.....eeeeewwww....
Also, WTF?
and, More please!
I could be wrong but is that still supposed to be recluse there? The way it's written it sounds more like Nemesis.
Quote from: General Idiot on January 12, 2013, 05:40:02 AM
I could be wrong but is that still supposed to be recluse there? The way it's written it sounds more like Nemesis.
No, you are absolutely right. Thanks for the catch on that one; I've corrected it.
This is why I probably shouldn't have written that one while suffering from a bad sinus headache and under the effects of an antihistamine.
Although some people tell me they can't much tell the difference from my normal personality.
Quote from: Steelclaw on January 11, 2013, 08:19:26 PM"Laser missing from the local college of applied sciences, specifically its communications department." Lord Nemesis paused, as though savoring the taste of his next words in his mouth before delivering them. "A single security guard is laying dead directly next to the laser's former resting spot. His mouth is stuffed with navel fuzz."
If his mouth is stuffed with belly-button lint, it seems to me that someone didn't want him talking about the Naval Reserve... is there a base in the area?