So, to some in Paragon Chat I've related vague details about something essentially going south in my life. The fact is, I came out as transgender to my mother a little while ago. It hasn't gone particularly well as she's grown more and more verbally abusive than usual as time's gone on, acting dismissively and challenging toward my gender identity. A couple weeks ago, I tried to put together a compromise with her to put together a female costume and unfortunately that blew up in my face. I've been giving her the silent treatment since and that has had her frustrated despite her claims otherwise.
Anyway, last night, she essentially gave me a death threat. I'm not safe in my own home anymore. So... I'm going to be using some public resources to achieve sanctuary.
Sorry to hear that. It sucks when the people in our lives, who we hope to have our backs through thick and thin react that way. Wish you the best, hopefully time will fix your relationship. And good for you for coming out, I'm sure it was not easy.
Sorry, to hear of your difficulties.
I am likely what 97% of the population is - a straight person - but having also been a Native American who follows the old beliefs of my people, I understand how intolerant people can be. It is especially hard in your own family as they have your guard down and know your weaknesses.
Find your own peace first, then seek peace in others.
Go Forward With Courage
When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-- as it surely will.
Then act with courage.
Ponca Chief White Eagle (1800's to 1914)
Aw crap. She's not doing her usual food stamp shopping tonight. I can't go anywhere.
I am sorry that this is happing to you :(. I know that there are support groups for the lgbt, if it helps I would recommend joining one :).
You should not worry what others think about you, as long as it makes you happy in life live how you want. :)
Oh, I fully intend to. However, I need to get out of here. I just found a severely, mentally imbalanced email from her in the inbox of an account I rarely check, dated on the first. If I wasn't scared enough before, I'm enormously freaked out now.
If you're really fearful of your personal safety, then I would say your number one priority is to get out of the house and go somewhere else, anywhere else, doesn't matter where, even if it's just a Denny's or something like that, that she would be incapable of finding you at.
Once you're out of immediate danger, you can worry about where to go to from there, and start trying to contact the appropriate people to help you, but getting to safety should come first above all else if there's a real imminent danger.
If you have to, I'd say you should try contacting your local police on their non-emergency line, explain your situation, and see if maybe they can help put you in touch with someone who can better help with your situation. I'm sure there's at least something they could do to help you get out of there if nothing else.
Yeah, just waiting for an opportunity to slip out quietly. Unfortunately that should have been today, but she unexpectedly broke routine.
Quote from: Mistress Bloodwrath on October 07, 2015, 03:30:28 AM
Yeah, just waiting for an opportunity to slip out quietly. Unfortunately that should have been today, but she unexpectedly broke routine.
You can always call the police non-emergency number. Explain to them that you do not feel safe, and you would love to have a police officer present to escort you from the home. If there is any way we can help, please let us know. Some of us are hopelessly altruistic, and might be able to help in various ways. Do you mind telling us what town you live in (or near)?
Well, the opportunity to escape is almost here. Oh, and I live in Tacoma.
Quote from: Mistress Bloodwrath on October 07, 2015, 07:12:30 PM
Well, the opportunity to escape is almost here. Oh, and I live in Tacoma.
Cool. My mom lives in Olympia (if you mean the Tacoma, WA). Unfortunately I'm in the southwest so I cannot offer any short-term help.
That's unfortunate, as I could really use some help.
Hi! As a member of the GLBTQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Queer - since people often identify with different labels - and their usually straight/heterosexual Allies) Community, I would like to 1. offer morale support, and 2. advise you to contact your local and/or national LGBTQA Center(s). Here is what I was able to find in Tacoma, WA http://www.lgbtcenters.org/Centers/Washington/507/Oasis-Youth-Center.aspx (and note, I did not do an exhaustive search by any stretch of the imagination, just a very, very quick search.) I would give them a call and see what resources and ideas they have for you. It may take networking as well as contacting a variety of GLBTQ resource centers. Depending upon your age, you might also qualify for resources and programs dedicated to assisting LGBTQ teens and youth. Services might range from finding a family counselor (at low or no cost) to help you & your mom improve your relationship, to help finding a home, a job or if need be a shelter.
I hope you are up for a character-building experience, real world, not game, as that is part of what it means to be trans, lesbian, gay or otherwise "queer" in the U.S. DO know that even as this is a uniquely personal journey, you are not alone and there are networks of people who are Trans as well as "straight but not narrow" allies, etc. Yeah, this is going to require your best judgement. GLBT Centers were created specifically to assist people with Coming Out and Being Out issues. You will probably be offered a lot of advice, as well as support and empathy. Definitely take the time to research this online. Additionally, every public college campus I know of provides GLBTQ student services; even if you are not enrolled there, I would expect you'd get a friendly reception and perhaps some advice, phone numbers, or other assistance simply from telephoning and explaining your situation. I came out to myself and close friends and then family members when I was 20 (way back in 1980) and found the Gay & Lesbian Student Alliance group at my local college helpful to the process of coming out and being out.
While I am rather inundated with email at the present (and may have internet service only thru the end of Oct--we shall see--and I hate it that there's even a chance I might miss an email from you) please feel free to PM or email me, if I can be of further assistance. While it's understandable if you feel discouraged from time to time due to circumstances, keep your head above water, and persevere. Here is a link to the It Gets Better Project on youtube https://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject I am 55 and parts of my teens and 20s might be described as, if not hellish, then "drama or angst-laden" but I want you to know that it does indeed get better! Really and Truly! Take good care & start researching and networking! And if you are into Star Wars, May the Force be with you, young Jedi! Best wishes
PS. Definitely contact these folks: http://www.pflagtacoma.org/ PFLAG is Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (one of the oldest GLBT nationwide support organizations.) Here you will find (probably) not only peers but actively concerned parents of Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi youth. Many of these folks will not only have educated themselves about Coming Out but will probably know what services and resources are available in Tacoma and nearby communities.
There's been some really good advice given here, particularly from johnrobey. Seriously, if you feel unsafe in your home, call the police and ask them to escort you to the shelter, then take it from there, where you are in a safe place and have time to regroup and start investigating resources. (If you feel the need to escape your home with the police's help, then surreptitiously pack a bag with things you'll need before calling them, so it's ready to go when they arrive.) Please also reach out to your school counselors, if you feel they'll be supportive.
But, first and foremost, do what you have to do to stay safe.
I had already left home, Nyghtshade. And John, Rainbow Center at Oasis was the first place I went to.
Anyway, I'm currently safe and okay. I'm staying 4 days at a little "commune" of transwomen who're going to help me as much as they can. Thanks for all of the advice here too.
So glad to hear you're safe and finding support.
Turns out one of the ladies here is a former CoH player and on Paragon Chat. :D
Quote from: Mistress Bloodwrath on October 11, 2015, 04:12:32 AM
Turns out one of the ladies here is a former CoH player and on Paragon Chat. :D
Serendipity FTW!
Quote from: Mistress Bloodwrath on October 09, 2015, 07:19:53 PM
I had already left home, Nyghtshade. And John, Rainbow Center at Oasis was the first place I went to.
Anyway, I'm currently safe and okay. I'm staying 4 days at a little "commune" of transwomen who're going to help me as much as they can. Thanks for all of the advice here too.
I am really glad you are safe, okay and taking pro-active steps. (Yay, you!) I hope you find/found the Rainbow Center etc. and any in the community to be 100% helpful. I am glad you've found already a small "commune" of transwomen and that they are taking you under their figurative wing. I think the best advice that came to mind was recommending PFLAG. I bet you would find there as allies heterosexual parents who are willing to champion your cause. I really appreciate your taking the time to write. Renewed Very Best Wishes!
So, mother's still trying to dictate how I express myself. Go figure.
As you know, I ran out on her last week following a death threat which she claims wasn't a death threat. And through the Rainbow Center, I was able to get connected to Lonness Valenna and spent a wonderful weekend there being able to live as my true self finally. While she wasn't able to find me a safe place to stay, she did at least manage to give me a lot of resources. Sweet woman Lonness is.
Anyway... We returned together to Tacoma to confront my mother to talk to and educate her about my transgender situation. She finally had to accept it, right? She claimed though, over and over, that she wasn't fond of my wig, even though I've gotten nothing but compliments from everyone else about it. For her, though, I took it off. Then she tried pushing for the dress. No, there, I stood firm and kept it on.
Today, I went to the thrift store to get more cheap clothes as I told her last night. Because I have some mild flu or something (who knows where this weekend I got that), she suggested my very warm hoodie and sweats. So, after she helped touch up my back, freeing it of stubble, and gave me tips and complimented me on tweezing my eyebrows and my makeup respectively, I put on a small orange tank, sweatpants, hoodie, bra, nylons, and my new shoes, I was so far okay. But when I put on my wig, she had a fit, complaining it was "going too fast" and she "can't handle this." Nevertheless, I left fully presenting as female to get a few clothing items. I also have a cheap toy dagger and some Halloween makeup for that LARP I intend to join Lonness on on Halloween weekend.
When I came home, I found my mother moping and she hasn't talked much. She's back to grudging acceptance. AGH! This woman will never put my happiness before her own, it seems. Is it ever going to get better?
Yes, I believe it will get better, in fact very much better. Personal experience suggests improvement usually happens either during an "A-ha" moment of insight & inspiration/transformation or thru a more gradual growth process. It sounds like your mother is making progress in that she both complimented you and offered tips on your make-up and tweezing. She helped touch up your back to make it stubble-free. That all sounds pretty loving and accepting.
She is also being honest with you (and herself) when she verbalized "I can't handle this" and "It's going too fast." She is clearly stating needs. That doesn't mean you compromise either your values or your self/self-identity, but this is a situation that calls for warm feelings of compassion on all sides. I know for myself that responding with feelings of compassion towards someone whose behavior has been controlling is a lot to ask, and yet I think this may be exactly what your current situation calls for.
Unless your mother happens to have another family member who is Trans (e.g. her brother, her aunt, etc) to help her understand this, to help empathize with what all she is going thru--e.g. she is losing her image, her idea of who you are, in this case, I believe a son and is in the process of learning about who you are as her daughter. Perhaps I have bits of this mixed up, but in any event she may well be grieving a legitimate loss as part and parcel of accepting who you are now, rather than who she thought you were for N number of years.
Advice to you & mom:
Do check out your local chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians & Gays. Here's a link to the Tacoma, WA chapter webpage: http://www.pflagtacoma.org/ as well as to what I found on PFLAG's national site for Trans: https://community.pflag.org/transgender
Digression before I offer more advice: One of my old friends from when I was in high school (or nearly 40 years ago) came out to me as a Trans-man (female transitioning to male) about 15 years ago. Even as a gay man, it still took me some time to wrap my brain around the idea that my good friend Adrienne was now Adrian (tho nowadays he goes by Robert.) Less than a year ago another good friend, in this case a young Gen X gamer came out as Trans and explained very nicely and lovingly that it made sense to him that I might have a bit of difficulty in updating my mental images and understanding since as Donna he'd presented himself (very successfully) as female. The point here is that your mother has all this history of how she has thought of you, from being a three or four year old learning to ride a tricycle to first day of school, etc. and all of those memories with another gender attached. She may well be grieving the death (of the idea) of her little boy and teenage son, and she may need to process that before she is able to accept and celebrate her daughter. I think it might be okay to ask her about this, empathizing that this transition may not be easy for her, even as perhaps it may be effortless for you.
Here are some links I found that might be helpful:
Jazz Jennings And Her Mom Offer Wonderful Advice To Parents Raising Transgender Kids
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/i-am-jazz#.bupJ3ebdGg
This is advice from a transwoman and parent
https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/advice-to-parents-of-transkids/
Advice for America from Parents Who Support Their Transgender Kids
http://www.buzzfeed.com/dominicholden/advice-for-americans-from-parents-who-support-their-transgen#.kuBlxM9BEP
Here is a link from genderspectrum.org: https://www.genderspectrum.org/explore-topics/parenting-and-family/
Advice for transgender teens (with some advice also for parents): http://www.gay-therapy-ct.com/advice-for-transgender-teens.html
Here's a link to a large number of articles: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/parents-of-transgender-children/
And this one also looks decent: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/transgender.html
I think you may be beyond what the articles I found here speak to; however, they also include some resource links and hence might be worth checking out: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/731-i-think-i-might-be-transgender-now-what-do-i-do
This is one I thought your mom might like, but I'd like to recommend you review it first both for content and because you know better than I can guess what your mother might be able to benefit from reading: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/transgender.html
Also, I found a web site that I think you might enjoy; Laura's Playground looks to be devoted to MtF and contains a cornucopia of links to articles, other websites, MTF chatroom etc. http://www.lauras-playground.com/mtf.htm
Re: happiness. Yes, it almost certainly gets better for you and for your mother. Take the time to read and educate yourself (you and she) and then take the time to put your new understanding(s) into practice.
Wishing you and your mother Patience, Wisdom, and Love,
j.r.
Well, I appear to have regained some ground with her today. She started out verbally abusive this morning, but eventually it turned into a civil discussion and I got some old makeup books out of it. It's definitely a rocky road.....
Quote from: Mistress Bloodwrath on October 16, 2015, 08:46:06 PM
Well, I appear to have regained some ground with her today. She started out verbally abusive this morning, but eventually it turned into a civil discussion and I got some old makeup books out of it. It's definitely a rocky road.....
Slow down a bit. You only just now accepted yourself. How long did that take?
So you expect your mother to be happy with your decision in one weekend? If you are a person who goes against societies norms - you must accept others may not like what you do. Accepting them and understanding them - helps them to accept you. While not transgender - I am following native American beliefs and during a conversation with a group of people once - it was said well we are all Christians here. I chose to quietly say, well I am not but I do understand your point.
He turned to me and said - you are going to hell. I knew at least one of the folks may not like me not being a Christian and so I said - I understand that it frightens you that I an in danger of eternal torment. I however view the creator as not being vindictive. My beliefs include harmony with nature and with people if they allow it. I appreciate your faith and it makes you an upright and dependable person. Perhaps you can choose to see my character rather than my religion?
I say this so you will understand - don't look for strife. Noblesse is a quality that means you assume some one means the best for you unless they prove they do not. In his book - Zen in the Martial Arts, Joe Hyams (a student of Bruce Lee and the creator of the series Kung Fu), was late to his lesson with Bruce. Bruce Lee was not angry but he said to him you have taken something from me I choose to spend with you - my time. I only have so much of it and you have wasted some of my time with you. Why were you late?
Joe explained - a person he doesn't like much called and was offering him a script. Joe listened to the person but eventually turned him down after a long conversation. Bruce said to Joe - you spent my time with you - on a person whom you do not like and who is not a positive force in your life. Then the proceeded with the lesson. Joe learned you have only so much time and after Bruce Lee's early death he thought back - why did I not value Bruce more than the other person? Spend your time wisely and don't waste it on negative influences.
Your mother is your source of life. She is due much time and understanding. She may feel you are in for a hard and trouble filled life due to your choices and feel she has let you down in some way. It is hard for a mother or father to see their child chose a life filled with hardship potentially. Relax and find your own peace.
Considering another recent threat yesterday, this time to "mishandle" a razor after I requested help with my back (this followed a couple hours after a misunderstanding concerning something a friend of mine had said to her came to light), I don't really think I'm the one looking for strife. The fact that the woman actually threatened to slash my back up (and this a few weeks after her death threat) bespeaks of something psychologically wrong with her, even moreso than my own mental health problems (I could never imagine threatening my offspring like this if I had them). Frankly, I'm fortunate that my SSI payments will be coming soon, as I don't think I can tolerate being under the same roof as this woman anymore.
I can honestly say I'm just about stymied.
The compassion for the OP comes across so sincere it makes me proud to be ever so loosely associated - even if it is through this tiny venue.
At the same time, the ignorant conservative in me struggles with the OP's dilemma. I cannot honestly say how I would respond if my own child delivered a message such as the OP's. It's real easy to second-guess from the outside. I'd like to think I'd be cool with it - but I am sure, at least internally, I would really struggle to accept a statement like this. I'm only being honest when I say it. I certainly wouldn't consider violence as a way to express it - and for that, I am saddened that any person would - let alone a parent! And that makes me ashamed to be conservative, in a fashion.
This is so out of my experience, I have no words of advice, only to encourage you to find a safe place as soon as you're able. For what it's worth, I'll say a prayer for you to find a peaceful solution.
Quote from: ukaserex on October 23, 2015, 03:12:35 PM
I can honestly say I'm just about stymied.
The compassion for the OP comes across so sincere it makes me proud to be ever so loosely associated - even if it is through this tiny venue.
At the same time, the ignorant conservative in me struggles with the OP's dilemma. I cannot honestly say how I would respond if my own child delivered a message such as the OP's. It's real easy to second-guess from the outside. I'd like to think I'd be cool with it - but I am sure, at least internally, I would really struggle to accept a statement like this. I'm only being honest when I say it. I certainly wouldn't consider violence as a way to express it - and for that, I am saddened that any person would - let alone a parent! And that makes me ashamed to be conservative, in a fashion.
This is so out of my experience, I have no words of advice, only to encourage you to find a safe place as soon as you're able. For what it's worth, I'll say a prayer for you to find a peaceful solution.
Thanks for your kind words. And while you admit you have your own mental hangups, at least you're trying. That's what counts, the attempt to be a better person.
I am a conservative as well. I still care for people. Your life choices are your own. I would caution one of my children for making these decisions as I once cautioned one of my daughters who is very gifted musically. She once did a concert without preparing relying on talent alone. It was obvious to me that she had not prepared. I asked her afterwards and she admitted she didn't practice just did it cold.
I explained when people pay to see you - they deserve your best. I was a semi-pro hockey player at age 16 and I faced the same dilemma, be a kid or play hockey. I chose to be a kid and let a career in pro hockey pass. In like manner hard choices must at times be made. Do you find your hearts desire or do you realize to you the love isn't there?
My daughter stopped performing and instead became a child psychologist and then went on to work as a Child Protective Services agent and a sexual abuse hot line responder. She has done so much good for some many families and she is so happy now.
So follow your heart and move as soon as possible.
Quote from: Ironwolf on October 26, 2015, 01:00:40 AM
I am a conservative as well. I still care for people. Your life choices are your own. I would caution one of my children for making these decisions as I once cautioned one of my daughters who is very gifted musically. She once did a concert without preparing relying on talent alone. It was obvious to me that she had not prepared. I asked her afterwards and she admitted she didn't practice just did it cold.
I explained when people pay to see you - they deserve your best. I was a semi-pro hockey player at age 16 and I faced the same dilemma, be a kid or play hockey. I chose to be a kid and let a career in pro hockey pass. In like manner hard choices must at times be made. Do you find your hearts desire or do you realize to you the love isn't there?
My daughter stopped performing and instead became a child psychologist and then went on to work as a Child Protective Services agent and a sexual abuse hot line responder. She has done so much good for some many families and she is so happy now.
So follow your heart and move as soon as possible.
Being transgender isn't like being an aspiring musician, it's not a professional lifestyle or a hobby. To make a comparison like the examples you've illustrated are a gross misunderstanding of what this is like. It's an essence of being that causes an aggravating conflict within yourself where the mind is completely mismatched with the body. I don't expect you to understand what it's like, since most cisgender people have demonstrated that they can't, but please don't compare it to a life decision over a career because it is so infinitesimally more than that.
You don't understand my point, there are those people who MUST be a musician even if they live day to day starving and not making 2 pennies to rub together. There are those people who MUST play hockey for a living even if it means they play for 25 years on a minor league team and make $15,000 a year.
If you have a calling of some sort - in your case you feel a desire beyond your coping to be a different sex. It is very similar and some suffer for their choices as it is not the society norm to do these things. You may feel it trivializes your struggle - but the struggle to be something whether it is a writer, artist, priest or some other calling is far more than that. It is WHO you are to your very core.
I have a friend who is a professional artist and has never made much money, however he can make medieval books the exact way they did: http://www.randyasplund.com/pages/illum.html - he must be an artist it is WHO he is. You feel you must be a different sex - it is WHO you are. I do get it and understand. It still doesn't make your choices easy or your lifestyle more mainstream. You will be misunderstood as you struggle with society. In part just reading your posts because you are struggling with yourself still to define who and what you are.
I think what Mistress Bloodraith is saying is that being transgender is not a choice, it's a fundamental, immutable, physical reality, but one which can cost everything to admit. It seems to me the only choice here would be whether to be true to oneself, no matter the risk, or to spend one's life pretending to be something they're not because it's 'safer'.
In the best of worlds - and God willing, we'll get there one day - letting family and friends know someone is transgender will prompt compassion and support, rather than the persecution and threats Bloodraith is struggling with now.
Quote from: Nyghtshade on October 26, 2015, 07:12:37 PM
I think what Mistress Bloodraith is saying is that being transgender is not a choice, it's a fundamental, immutable, physical reality, but one which can cost everything to admit. It seems to me the only choice here would be whether to be true to oneself, no matter the risk, or to spend one's life pretending to be something they're not because it's 'safer'.
In the best of worlds - and God willing, we'll get there one day - letting family and friends know someone is transgender will prompt compassion and support, rather than the persecution and threats Bloodraith is struggling with now.
Exactly this. Being transgender has a much deeper reality than a calling to a career. It's hard to explain this to cisgender people who'll never fully grasp what it's like to have your mind and physical sex at odds with each other. Comparing it to musicians or painters trivializes the problem, because these people do not face cultural rejection and oppression or a constant crisis over their physical form that can drive them to suicide if the issue's not resolved. It's so much more severe than your examples, Ironwolf.
To spend my life pretending I'm a male is not an option anymore. Eventually that road will lead to suicide for me, because I'd rather die than live as something I'm not.
I apologize for being late, been away awhile.
I would be very upset, extremely sad, if my son told me what you did, however, I would still love my child.
From what you wrote, this isn't rational behavior from this woman, even if one has different beliefs.
Surrounding yourself with friends, whether in your neighborhood or online can help some.
I hope one day your Mother calms down and become civil (if she ever was)
She may not have to feel as you do, but she ought to accept reality and realize you are your own person.
You can't change people or legislate morality much as the govt. tries.
Even the powerful Odin couldn't deter Thor from his love for Jane Foster :)
Be well!